Passions

Everyone seems to have a passion for something, from being three and having passion to explore every in and out of this new toy that was just placed in front of them, to being 46 and not being able to go a day in your life without thinking about golfing or designing. My personal experiences with passion have seemed to change a lot over the years. First I had a passion for soccer. I could not go a day without playing it, coaching it, talking about it, or buying something to wear to my next practice or game. From ages 3-18 it was literally all I ever thought about. When I grew up I was going to play professionally, I wanted to be in the Olympics and become the next rising star while being compared to the great Mia Hamm. I was going to coach once I had made a career as a player, then possible be an announcer on TV after that. I had it all planned out and never even thought about my other options, that was going to be how I spent my life. 

I received varsity letters, helped start the first ever girls soccer team for my high school, played in traveling leagues for indoor and outdoor, managed to snag captain a majority of the time, yet none of this was able to help stop me from making poor decisions my junior year. I was stripped of captain, and forbidden to participate in soccer my senior year. It was surreal at the time, I knew something big, something life changing had happened but I just wasn't sure how big it actually was. I cried for my mistakes, but then I signed up for video class my senior year and everything changed. I pretended it wasn't difficult and continued to be my natural smiley, laugh out loud self, but inside it was terrifying. My assignments for video class required me to take our mini dv video cameras and go to sporting events to record the games. This I loved because it still meant I was able to be on the field instead of the stands. I went to volleyball games, soccer games, football games, anything that was happening I was there with my camera to record it. Luckily I had made some great friends that year and they guided me through my first editing tutorial. They're names were Jon & Silas. These guys were so smart I couldn't even wrap my brain around what they were telling me sometimes. I remember one time having to ask Jon if he could draw a diagram of what he wanted me to do because I didn't understand how Final Cut Pro worked. Looking back it's kind of really funny, thank god those guys were there because if not, who knows what those football and basketball highlight reels would have looked like. We ended up doing live news casts for our announcements, and added sketch shows to them as well. They became extremely popular and all the kids seemed to want to have their sketch on the Friday shows. It was all the perfect distraction to cover up my misery. I was back in the spot light, taping, editing, anchoring, traveling to the convention center to show how our school does green screen, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I'll never forget that year in high school, it was the first time ever that I was forced to care about something other then soccer, and I didn't just care about it, I ended up loving it. 

A lot of great things happened that year. I made new friends, saw the school and the students attending it in a whole different spot light, and I was focused on school work for the first time, ever. After graduation I had decided to attend the Art Institute of Pittsburgh for Digital Media Productions. I moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and never looked back. After more than a decade of loving nothing but soccer, my passion had suddenly changed from being the star, to filming the star. After a couple years of classes, I realized I loved editing more, so again my passion had changed. I bought my own copy of Final Cut Pro, well my dad bought it for me, and after that I was the editor for a lot of our college projects. I graduated before my 4 year mark and felt on top of the world. Everything I thought I wasn't going to be able to finish I had, all my up-all-nights felt worth it, and I had accomplished what I was supposed to by the age of 22. 

Passion is a funny thing in life. Some have the same passion their whole life and love every second of it. I on the other hand, have an ever changing passion pallet. After getting hired directly after college for a professional TV production company, I found myself working in a tech center for syndicated television. Syndicated means anything that has aired more than once, so re-runs basically. I enjoyed it for a while and once again felt an incredible sense of accomplishment. Before I knew it 4 years had passed by and I was still in the same room, doing the same thing, and not making as much money as I thought I would be. Fancy titles, roof top parties, alcohol, bragging rights, but yet, I had lost myself somewhere. The comfortability of having a full-time job, benefits, and an editing position had me thinking, have I lost my passion? I don't care about what I'm doing anymore, I'm not moving up here, there's no where to go, I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore? Thought's of, is this it? Is this how I'm going to spend the rest of my life? There's got to be more out there in the world. I've got to find something that motivates me and inspires me, something that makes me actually want to think and want to care. Something that I enjoy doing like I did my senior year in Mr. Franks class. Then it hit me, I am finally to that point in my life where I am pondering what it was like when I was growing up. I was always the first one to say, I'm never going to want to be 18 again, I can't wait to be an adult and do whatever I want, whenever I want. I couldn't believe I was finally eating my own words. 

Well, after 4 years with a truly great company, I had to turn in my two weeks in order to continue my pursuit of happiness. They did a lot for me, it wasn't them and the company, it was me. I wanted to explore more of the world and see what else was out there waiting for me to come find it. I landed in Raleigh, North Carolina and I'm more happy here then I have been in a really long time. I'm still soul searching and trying to find my next gig, but in the mean time I'm blogging, cooking, and attempting to start a channel on Youtube. I feel my passion changing again and this time I'm OK with it. I still love sports and editing with all my heart and now I know they are with me to stay. Cooking is a new passion of mine, as I am currently working in a kitchen and enjoying every single step it takes in creating a delicious and fresh meal. It reminds me of video productions, except with food. Once I find what it is I am looking for, I will share that with you as well. Until then, don't ever hide behind something you're not in fear of what lies next. You'll find a way to swim through it, if not, that's what life jackets are for. Either way, as long as you're above water, nothing else matters. 

Band aids

Curve balls, hurdles, speed bumps, however you choose to describe the problems in your life is up to you. I personally like the curve ball term. I constantly celebrate the 'once in a blue moon' home runs, then constantly get hit with curve balls directly afterwards. Little time for celebrating when there are curve balls flying all over the place. Nonetheless I carry on because that's just what I do. I'm not sure why I haven't just thrown my hands in the air and said "That's it! You win universe. I'm DONE." Ha, who am I kidding, I do that all the time.

I am lucky enough to have recently relocated to Raleigh, North Carolina and so far I am loving it. It's freaking beautiful here. The weather is great, the people are friendly, and I have yet to use my horn once while driving through the city. That's a big deal for a girl who just moved here from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I took naps on my horn in that city, you can't be on the road three minutes and not hear someone laying on their horn for no damn reason. I love the Steelers and I loved the city life, but after eight years, a nasty break up,  a dead end job, and my mothers drug and alcohol addiction, it was time to go. 

There are these moments in life where I am constantly asking, "why?" Rather it's because something positive or negative happened, I still feel the need to question it for some reason. In the past it was always, "Why is this happening to me?" or "Why did he do that?" or "What the hell was I thinking?" Lately the tables have turned, and honestly it's been for the better. I don't like to question when good things happen, but I'm so used to the opposite that my immediate reaction is, OK something bad is about to happen because nothing good EVER happens. It's terrible I know, but sadly it's the truth. 

I sometimes wonder what it is that makes us born into this world wanting to be loved? Either you're one with this realization or you're not. Regardless, we all want some form of a way to connect with someone, anyone, who we feel gets it. Man to woman, man to man, woman to woman, it doesn't matter to me what or how you get it, I'm just trying to figure out why it is, that we all want that specific connection. The connection I speak of is that moment in time when you lock eyes with someone and at that moment, souls are bared. You both know this specific person understands you and there's nothing you can do about it. Loving or hating the person you just had that connection with cannot be controlled. Sure, we all hide it sometimes and pretend it didn't happen out of connivence, but it still happened. Maybe it's a moments connection and maybe it's a temporary or lifetime connection. If you've ever had or encountered this instance that I speak of, you immediately thought of that person and you've never forgotten who they are, and you probably never will. Maybe you're lucky enough to have had that connection with more than one person, I know I have. Sometimes we part and don't see each other for months, or even years; we're all on different journeys and I get that. But, when our path's do cross time is the last factor that ever matters. Time doesn't exist with people who understand each other. I have people who probably feel as if they have that connection with me, they partially do, but not all the way. There are few select people in this world that don't make me feel like I have to wear a mask. These people don't judge, they don't see me as someone else, they practically know me better than I know myself, and for that, I will always be thankful. Under the thick, onion like layers, behind the white lies, the "yea I understand", behind what you think you're hiding form the world, those people in your corner know what's going on. Even if you yourself think you have fooled them, they know. You, me, we all need these people in out lives. These people who refuse to give up on us, who constantly remind us of who we are when we forget, the people who have your back through sun rays and stormy days, you'll thank them one day. One day you'll be happy to admit you need them instead of denying them and pushing them away. 

I used to be afraid that I needed people. Admitting I liked when someone was around was terrifying. Allowing myself to believe someone has my back means trusting them to protect your back instead of stabbing it. I haven't always been a very trustworthy person because every time I thought I could trust someone, I ended up having to pull their knife out of my back. What happened over time was I became better with my judgement in people. The fog that had been lingering for years finally decided to lift, and suddenly I was able to see who was there all along, and who was never really there at all. Yea, of course I had apologies to make and pride to swallow, but the people who never left didn't care for my apologies. They weren't the ones that left, I did. 

No one likes to admit when they're wrong. I sure as hell don't. When the time comes and I'm forced to face my demons and my fears, and there's no where left to run, I do it. I realized the hard way the longer you carry worries around without talking about it, the longer you go without realizing everyone is going through something. Admitting, realizing, and moving on makes you human. I've been burned many times, life isn't always peachy. Even if you are admitting to your mistakes and trying to mend loose ends, doesn't mean it's going to be a walk in the park. Everyday we overcome an obstacle doesn't mean we're permanently clearing our plate, we're just making room for the next round. It's like finishing all the food on your plate before returning for seconds, if you don't take care of the first round, it's just more you're going to have to deal with the second time. 

Last but not least, just because you fail at something doesn't mean it's not for you. Normally it's the universe testing to see how badly you want it. If you want it bad enough, 100 fails to receive 1 win is worth it. If it's not, then you know it's not for you. I'm not afraid of being burned anymore because it's inevitable. Put your band aids on and with time you'll always heal. 

Preface

Why doesn’t anyone talk about the 20’s? Not the 1920’s, but the period in one’s life between 20 and 30. I graduated college then immediately dove into what is considered to be, the "real world". I have a million and one questions that have not been answered yet. The real world is different; college is not the real world. There are relationships, jobs, careers, money, and outrageous responsibilities. People have said that this is the time of my life, which it is, but no one ever really talked to me about the other stuff I would have to go through. This is my first blog, I do not have all the answers, hell, I probably have more questions then I do answers. During the hardest times of my life, I simply wrote. It’s all I looked forward to sometimes. I’ve been writing my whole life but, this particular story began on March 28, 2008. My mother was a heroin addict, my father was by my side, my boyfriend of 4 years left me for another woman, and I felt like I was going to die. This story will take you on a journey through my failures, and my successes. My roller coaster of a life is exposed and I am relieved to be sharing it with you. Mind you I am currently only 26, I have not peaked, or become the amazing person I picture myself to be, but, this is how I survived, and plan to survive, a majority of my twenties.

Introduction

Today I decided to start a blog. I also decided to attempt to write about thoughts, secrets, and events that I should probably take to the grave with me. Instead, I’m going to share them with the world. You only get one chance to live, or so they say. Do it, love it, deal with it, and move on. Everyone has skeletons in their closets and they will all escape eventually. One thing I have learned along the way is how you can only run from yourself for so long. You can jump from path to path, and through multiplying hoops, but eventually you will be forced to face the biggest demon of all, yourself. I'm gonna take my experiences and share them instead of burry them. If anything, I hope people realize it’s never too late to climb out of the hole you dug yourself, or perhaps a hole someone else dug for you. Even if you die trying it’s better then dying a quitter. This blog is dedicated to anyone who has ever faced fear in the eyes.