Used 2 Be

All my life people have told me to never give up. Rather these people are on TV, my family and friends, or in magazines and books is regardless. People in general don't like seeing someone who has given up on themselves and on life. Thank god there are still people out there who have high expectations of what life can and should be. I'm not talking about mansions and $100,000 cars, I'm talking about the simplicity of having a dream and never giving up on it. Maybe not giving up can lead to expensive houses and cars, but mainly, for me, I hope it leads to a life of happiness that isn't filled with regrets, and oh I wish I would have done that when I was younger, moments. I used to be the girl who only wore half my heart on my sleeve, I used to be the girl that was afraid to be myself. I used to be clueless when it came to what I wanted to do with my life. Looking back a few years ago when I was writing on paper and not on a blog, I remember writing, "If someone were to come up to me right now and ask me what my dreams and goals are in life, I would stand there with a blank stare on my face and not have an answer." The thought of this alone used to drive me crazy. How could I have come this far and not know what I want to do? It was almost like I was mentally beating myself up because I would think to myself, doesn't everyone have some type of dream? What is wrong with me?! I was 23, graduated from college, and working in television at the time. From the outside looking in, I probably seemed like a happy go lucky girl that had my shit together. Inside, I was screaming. I had no idea what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and everyday I was slowly coming to the realization that I hated my job. After almost three years of this terribly repetitive cycle, I changed from the person I used to be, into the person I wanted to be.

This change most certainly didn't happen over night. It started with my desire to leave Pittsburgh and move somewhere that was going to be warmer, and have better weather. I also knew that I did not want to work in television once I moved. At the time I had been catering on the side with my friend Amanda, and actually liking that more then I did my full time job. Also, about two or three times a week I would visit the 901, Amanda and her husband Matt's house, and she would make these insanely delicious and creative meals, and would basically give me cooking lessons while she did it. I was the happiest when I was at the 901, and when I was there, I was cooking. We would film segments as if it was our own cooking show, I would take pictures of all the dishes, tweet, Instagram, and Facebook them, and share them with any and every one. I realized after a while that cooking is something that makes me happy. The power of food is something amazing. When you serve a hot fresh meal to someone rich or poor, it is something they remember, and something that makes them happy. After many meals and hundreds of photos later, I admitted to myself, friends, and family, that I was considering transitioning over to the culinary world. I was finally only a few, used to be's, away from finding myself.

During the summer of 2012 I used all of my vacation days to travel to various warm locations, in pursuit of a destination where I felt was suitable for me to live. I first went to Raleigh, North Carolina, then I spent over a week in LA and Venice California, and lastly, I went to Florida. In between those big trips I found myself taking frequent weekend trips to NC. They had and still have, an incredible food scene, and more importantly, they have a food truck scene. After talking with Amanda about how we wished to start a food truck some day, to going to the food truck rodeo in Cali on Abbot-Kenny blvd. I was discovering my love and passion for possibly working/owning my own food truck someday. I was leaning more towards NC and when I discovered the Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill areas were blowing up with food trucks, I was pretty much sold.

The old me was extremely nervous to change my life, I was nervous to be letting go of that security 9-5 job with benefits, and yada yada, but the new me was invigorated. Finally I had done my research, found some roommates, secured a job with a catering company in Raleigh, put my two weeks notice in, and was saying my good byes. The hardest part was my family in Ohio, and my Pfennig family in PA. Luckily, I knew as hard as it was to say good bye, it was going to be worth it in the end. I was now wearing my heart proudly on my sleeve, I had soul searched and figured out just what it was I wanted to do in life, and I was making small steps towards the me I always knew was there.

It's been six months now since my move to Raleigh, I've had three jobs and honestly, I've never been happier. A few weeks ago I went to a food truck rodeo in Durham to get some grub and do some research on the local food trucks, one of the trucks had a now hiring sign in the window, I approached the window and asked to speak with someone. I wasn't sure if this was real because it is very rare for food trucks to hire outside, non-family, non-friend people. Well, it was real, and after three weeks of meetings and negotiations, I have accepted the full time position as the truck leader for the Baguettaboutit food truck! Not only am I the new leader of the truck, I am also in charge of the social media as well. Who knew chasing your dreams was literally something that could be accomplished?! I sure didn't. I was always happy for people who said they had and it worked out, but I never knew what it meant until a week ago. I am working with food, leading a food truck, and get to tweet, Instagram, and Facebook as many pics as I want for the truck and business. I wasn't sure what true happiness was, or how to achieve it, but now, I like to think I'm on my way. So, as cheesy as it sounds, to whoever may be reading, it's never too late. I over came the fear to get to know myself, chased after a dream, and shorty, I'll be on my way. The universe works in mysterious ways, In this particular case, it was for me for once, not against me.

Parents

There are these moments when I attempt to do the right thing, the nice thing, or the just because thing. Normally it involves going out of my way to do something I should do regularly but somehow, for some reason, don't. For example, we all love are parents, well, most of us do anyway. Just because we love them doesn't mean we don't let their calls go to voicemail occasionally, right? This morning I woke up and decided I would do the right thing and call someone who I hadn't spoken to in a couple of days. This particular someone whom I thought would be happy that I was calling them back, was not. I guess it's my fault for setting my expectations too high, but at the same time, I expect someone who's been trying to get a hold of me to at least be pleased when I call them back in less then 48 hours. WRONG. Sometimes no matter how hard we try in life, pleasing our parents will most likely be one of the most difficult tasks we can be faced with; something we will only know we have achieved when one of us is on a death bed. Hopefully for some it happens sooner than that and in a less dramatic way, but for others, it's all we can hope for. 

Writing is a way for me to rationalize what I'm going through and helps me gain perspective on situations that I am dealing with. It's hard for me to complain about family, especially my parents because I am lucky that they try to be so involved in my life. I talk to them everyday, I don't lie to them anymore for the most part, they constantly support me even if they don't agree with what I am doing, and normally when they butt in and won't leave me alone and drive me crazy, it turns out to be for the best. But sometimes, I just want to complain. Is it necessary to make me feel guilty because two days have gone by and you haven't heard from me? It drives me crazy how much power they have when it comes to guilt. Yes I moved farther away then I already was, but I'm trying to pursure my dreams here and make something of myself so could you back off from time to time without making me feel like a horrible daughter for asking you to do so?! Breath.... that's what I have to tell myself a lot because I know one day they won't be there to bother me anymore, and that's when I'll miss them calling me 23 times a day to see if I'm ok or not.

I don't want to be too specific because I'm sure from time to time they might, by chance, hop on the ol internet machine and see what I'm writing about in this ol blog o mine. However, they always told me it was important to tell the truth, and that sometimes the truth hurts, so, really... I'm just doing what I was told. I know I'm now alone in the category of, sometimes my parents annoy the shit out of me, and I also know I won't be alone when I one day become that annoying parent and understand all the annoying things they put me through. Currently I am still the child and still trying to figure out my mark in society, so I guess that gives them the right to do what they do, and say what they say until I figure it out. I guess it's fair, I still need their assistance from time to time, and as much as the might not understand why I decided to change lives, job markets, and states, they're still there for me. 

It wasn't until I moved to college when I discovered just how much they really did love me. I always knew I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, electricity, vacations, clothes, incredible holidays, but I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone had those amenities and although I was an appreciative child, I wasn't completely aware that not everyone lived this type of lifestyle. Being as they have been divorced since I was 1, they did a damn good job making sure they were equally a part of my life. Putting ones own interests, dislikes, and desires aside for the sake of a child isn't something every parent is capable of doing. Once I was out of the house and going to college, I realized how many people out there considered me to be a lucky one. I was confused because I wasn't sure what they meant by that. Once I took note that they were referring to how much love they saw my parents had for me, I was forced to take a step back and look outside the box. I lived three hours from home, and yet I saw my parents more in 6 months them some saw theirs in years. That's when it hit me, that's the day I called both of them up separately and acknowledged their love and support, and actually said thank you. Now that I am 26 and not 18 I have been able to realize how important it is to gain your parents approval. Maybe not for everything in life, but for me there is always that voice in my head saying, "Man my parents aren't going to like this", or "Man I hope my parents are proud of me". I don't have an explanation as to why I care so much, but I do. I lie to myself sometimes and say, "It doesn't matter what they think", but then I sit down at the computer like I am now, and I come to terms with the fact that, yea it really does matter and I'll never be able to change that. 

I am an only child, but there have always been 3 of us. My Mom, my Dad, and myself. We are not perfect by any means, we all have our moments and times where we are mad, or maybe not doing so well but, like they want for me, I also want for them. I want them to be happy and I know a lot of the times they haven't been. Rather it was because they felt like they didn't support me enough, (which they always did and still do), or just not being able to find what it is they are looking for. I just want them to be content with where they are and who they are, but that's not an easy task to accomplish. The more I grow up, more or less, I am understanding more about them everyday. I hope they know I am happy and I am content with life. I also hope they know that I will never give up until I have accomplished something with the time I am given here on earth. I love them so very much and I hope one day we can all truly mean it wen we say, "Yes, I am happy."  Until then, I'll keep moving forward and living everyday in hopes that I am making you proud parents. 

"Just Keep Swimming"

Life doesn't always go as planned, and thank god for that. If it had gone the way I planned I'd probably be in a foreign country playing soccer for some team I can't even pronounce. Instead, I'm here in Raleigh, North Carolina, somewhere I never pictured or planned on being, and I've never been happier.
If it weren't for my plans going terribly, terribly wrong I might not have made it here. I left a career I hated, I found the man of my dreams, and I'm slowly realizing that starting over from scratch isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm still not used to being one of the oldest people at my job, but it's not the worst thing in the world. Wanting to chase your dreams and actually pursuing it are completely different tasks. When I left my security blanket behind and decided to up and quit my job in television, my fears were simple, what am I going to say when people ask me what I do now? How will I explain to my friends and family that I want to start over without feeling embarrassed? I hated thinking that I was taking a step backwards. Answer; sometimes you have to take a step backwards in order to take a leap forwards.

It's easy for me to answer questions like. "What are yo doing now that you have settled in Raleigh?" I say, "I've switched career paths and I am learning culinary skills along with business management so I can own my own restaurant and or food truck one day." I had to get over the fear that chasing my dreams was a silly thing to do and that it could never happen. The silly thing was thinking that chasing my dreams couldn't become a reality one day. I'm learning the catering world, I learn how to puree foods, and how to properly hold a knife. I'm also learning the in's and out's of running a widely known and successful country club, and I'm loving every minute of it. Sure, people look at me when I tell them what I used to do and what I am doing now, and I can see it in their eyes when they say one thing to me but really mean another. The great thing about over coming fears in life is learning when other people doubt you in front of your face, or behind your back for that matter, to use it as stepping stones to success, not failure. It'll bug me for a minute or two, I'll have to write a blog or a journal entry, maybe do a yoga session or go for a run, but at the end of every day there is not one thing I would change about my life. Im right where I want to be, and right where I need to be and it's the first time I have ever felt balanced in the 26 years I've been alive.

The current love of my life is a major reason I've been able to find myself. I did a little soul searching by myself before I moved here, but having someone stand behind me who encourages me and supports me, and lets me know he's there no matter what my dreams and goals are, has been incredible. For those of you thinking, well I don't have a significant other; it doesn't have to be a partner, as long as you are capable of surrounding yourself by people who actually care about you, that is love. Love can be found anywhere, neighbors who take time to check on you, even if you think they might be annoying, friends who never stop calling or coming to visit, people who support you through the good and the bad, that is love, and when you have it, you should fight for it and never let it go. I have never had anything this great before either. Once I got myself situated and on the right path, I organized my friends list (in real life not just on Facebook), and I took the time and patience to realize who was going to be there for good and who was just passing by. After that, which took a few years, everything just started falling into place. No, it didn't just show up on my doorstep, I had to go out in the world and fight for what I wanted, but eventually I learned to start showing up for the right fights, and that's when I started winning.

For now I have a simple plan and a simple life and I am ok with that. Some people might want more for themselves and that's ok too. Whatever it is that you desire in life, keep desiring, keep moving forward, and never give up. I could have settled into my old life with my security blanket and my city job, but when I started listening to my heart and steered away from my fears, I soon realized the possibilities of doing what I want with my life, are endless.

Just the Beginning

   I sat down at my desk today and instead of blogging, I took out my notebook and began writing with pencil on actual paper. I used to do this all the time. I have books and books filled with my writings and thoughts, and it used to be a daily routine of mine. People were always telling me I should make it into a book, or blog about it and share it, but the idea of sharing my thoughts with the world always freaked me out. Blogging is different then when I get to sit down and write to no one other then myself. Online is a place for judgement, comparison, and public thought. Everyone can see it, read it, talk about it, and share it with 50+ million people. Hell, someone could even blog about my blog. Sometimes the thought alone drives me crazy. I get more calm when I write because it's the only place without judgement. No one looking over my shoulder correcting me or telling me where to put a comma, or where not to put a comma. I like writing and not typing because I feel more in control. I don't always know the outcome when I sit down with my pen/pencil and paper, but I always know I can say whatever I want and not feel guilty because I know no one is going to read it. I don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings or wishing I could take back something I said, I just blurt out whatever I'm thinking without regret. It's an incredible feeling and release of tension,  and I don't have to carry extra weight on my shoulders all the time because I get all my thoughts, fears, and worries down on paper then go seize the day.

   Right now my problem is comparison. I am always the one preaching to never compare yourself to someone because everyone is different; were not all supposed to be the same, look the same, and so on. I used to do it all the time but luckily I realized it was completely unnecessary and I stopped. My current dilemma is, where I am vs. where everyone else is. I don't mean locations, I am referring to the stages in one's life. "Did you hear so & so is getting married?" "OMG I just heard so & so is pregnant!" Facebook is also a daily routine of how we all see where everyone we have ever met is doing and has done. We (society) seem to be obsessed with comparing ourselves to other people. If we weren't, none of us would have Facebook and 10 other social media accounts. I'm guilty of it. I share my life with my "friends" on Facebook, I tweet randomness to my followers, I upload photos to Instagram to display my master of photography. I also pin all of my interests (or some of them) onto a virtual cork board instead of the one hanging in my room. I now use Google+ and am still trying to figure out what that actually does for me, or why I use it. Lastly, I blog. I blog my thoughts to the world instead of writing them down on paper. I even wrote this entry on paper but still somehow felt the need to blog about it. We create so many ways to keep up, keep track, and keep tabs on one another and after writing about, seems a bit silly... at least to me anyway. Regardless I do it and will continue to do it because I love it, sometimes. 

   I already feel better and I haven't even discussed what's really on my mind. I don't care what anyone says, writing is therapy. I started to write to day because I was feeling like I'm not exactly where I should be in life. I was thinking about where I thought I was going to be and where I am now. All I ever said as a child besides the typical, "I want to be a millionaire", was that I wanted to be happy. It wasn't a huge, I'm going to grow up and become the president one day type of goal, but it was realistic and kept me content. I still have that very same goal because it's still all I ever want. I left my hometown and went to college, that made me happy. I graduated and immediately got a job in my field, that made me happy. But, something changed in those 4 years after college. I came to the conclusion that doing that job for the rest of my life, or even working in that industry, was not going to make me happy. So, I packed up my bags and my life and moved down south. So far, I'm happy. I got out of television and now I am cooking. Actually, I've never felt happier. Maybe I'm not where I thought I was going to be, nor am I doing what I pictured myself to be doing. The fact is, true happiness can exist. For me it's right here, right now in Raleigh, North Carolina. I have great friends, incredible family, the best boyfriend in the whole world, and I figured out my love and passion in life is cooking. For the first time in my life I have a real goal, I want to be in the restaurant business. Sure it's messy, dirty, hard work, long hours, and expensive, but I love it. I don't just want to work in this industry though, I want to own something in this industry. Many years form now I will look back and remember the day when I officially decided that I want to own my own restaurant. 

   In the end it doesn't matter where we were once, it matters where we are. I'm sure this won't be the last time I compare myself and my life to someone else, lord knows others will also do it for me. I do know that moving here was the best decision I have ever made. One day when you visit the great state of North Carolina, I hope to welcome you into my very own, farm to table, delicious and out of this world restaurant. Until then, I'll blog about it and let you know how it's going.

Puzzles

I have been to many crossroads in life where I had to stand there scratching my head wondering which way is going to lead me down a better path then the other one. Occasionally it's an easy choice and I fly right through, but at times I found myself constantly looking in the rearview mirror wondering if I did the right thing. College choices, career decisions, moving out of state, all of these battles were not walks in the park. One battle I am constantly fighting is relationships. Give 100% get 55% is usually how it goes. There are times when it is even and the sense of happiness knocks on my door, but usually I don't answer because fear is knocking at the other one. I end up waiting too long to open either door and the relationship fades away because I was too afraid to trust someone. I think half the battle is knowing ones self. I have come to encounters where I was unable to give an opinion or make a decision because I simply didn't know who I was. I have also realized how much that annoys people sometimes. I give myself excuses because I am still in my twenties and still discovering just what it is I really love, and who I really am. I think that when I'm with someone not only are we both learning about each other, it's also a learning experience for ourselves. I used to put so much pressure on myself because I felt by the age of 24 I should know everything there is to know about myself, later I realized it's ok not to know. I am 26, almost 27, and I am still learning new ways about what I do, and do not like to do. There was this previous relationship I was in where every time I said I was unsure of something, or didn't know, or was clueless how to answer him, it drove him absolutely crazy. It was then I realized that I needed to find someone that was still discovering themselves like I am. Someone who wasn't going to judge me for everything I did or didn't do. Someone who understands that not everything is a golden brick road and someone who is ok with having to work to get somewhere in life. 

Rather a good relationship or a bad one, they do not seem to last. I was in a relationship once for four years, but a year before it ended it was already over. From observation and experience it seems as if we stay in one place longer then we want to just to see what could happen, or to see if someone or something has the ability to change. We put up with situations and qualities we know we couldn't live with forever, we make up excuses that it won't be this way much longer and it's 'just a phase'. We write songs and books, we build monuments and castles for the ones we love. We do this for the ones we want to love us back, or for relationships we're trying to save. I say we and we're simply because as a society we all want to love and be loved back. Some will not admit to this but regardless, they are still seeking some type of connection with another person of equal interest and understanding. Leaving a relationship and starting a new one is always a fun challenge. Fun meaning frustrating, hilarious, awkward, annoying, and sometimes just flat out weird. Being used to other ways but conforming and learning new ones. My particular situation is a relief type of change. From being with hard headed, stubborn, funny guys who had absolutely no care in the world except for themselves and their wants and needs, to finding someone who thinks about others for a change. I don't always know how to react, and that in turn, leads me to question the silliest things sometimes. I'm not used to someone being extremely thoughtful and considerate. Someone who actually meets me halfway is confusing when I'm used to going 60 and 70% all the time. I'm constantly overlapping them because I'm unfamiliar with it being a two way street and actually meeting me half way. Once again I'm learning something new about myself. I'm learning that every other relationship I have ever been in has failed because it wasn't supposed to work in the first place. The most generic example is a puzzle piece. Sometimes when putting a puzzle together you come across this one particular piece that you swear on everything fits in this one particular place, you leave it there denying the fact that it could actually fit somewhere else. You mess with it, turning it, pounding your fist on it to make it ft into that spot because you're sick of seeing where else it could go. After finally moving on and finishing another section of the puzzle, suddenly you discover that another piece you have fits that previous spot you had been fussing with. It fits perfectly and now you realized you spent an hour trying to make that puzzle piece fit somewhere it didn't belong in the first place. Back to my situation, I've tried many times to make certain people fit in my life, trying to change who I was, pretending to be something I wasn't just to see if that would make it better. Changing the way I live, the way I think, my beliefs. I can't stress enough now, how ridiculous that is to try and accomplish. After years of convincing myself I would never find someone who wouldn't make me conform and change into something I simply am not, and never will be, and giving up, that person knocked on my door, and this time I wasn't afraid to answer. This time I figured I had nothing to lose and I went into it allowing myself to be nothing except myself. Well, holy shit what do you know? It's actually working. I'm learning what it's like when someone takes time to get to know me, what it's like to only have to bring 50% because he actually shows up with the other half. It gives me goosebumps sometimes because I think to myself, is this real? Am I really allowing myself to be happy without allowing fear to make me run away from that feeling? I am. I am, and I am loving it. 

It's early on and sometimes I get ahead of myself, but who doesn't when they are overwhelmed with a feeling they have never had before?! The old me would never blog about such a thing because I wouldn't want anyone to read, judge, or disagree. That's the glory of being able to take time to discover yourself, I have discovered that everyone is going through something and everyone for the most part, has some crazy shit going on. For me writing about it brings a little more sense to the table when thinking about life and what I'm going through, and have already been through. I don't know if he will read this but if he does, thank you. Thank you for showing up with your game face on. Thank you for making me smile and laugh every single day. Thank you for taking that 50% seriously, it means more to me then you will ever know. And most importantly, thank you for allowing me to believe in someone again, when clearly we both know I really didn't want to. 

Passions

Everyone seems to have a passion for something, from being three and having passion to explore every in and out of this new toy that was just placed in front of them, to being 46 and not being able to go a day in your life without thinking about golfing or designing. My personal experiences with passion have seemed to change a lot over the years. First I had a passion for soccer. I could not go a day without playing it, coaching it, talking about it, or buying something to wear to my next practice or game. From ages 3-18 it was literally all I ever thought about. When I grew up I was going to play professionally, I wanted to be in the Olympics and become the next rising star while being compared to the great Mia Hamm. I was going to coach once I had made a career as a player, then possible be an announcer on TV after that. I had it all planned out and never even thought about my other options, that was going to be how I spent my life. 

I received varsity letters, helped start the first ever girls soccer team for my high school, played in traveling leagues for indoor and outdoor, managed to snag captain a majority of the time, yet none of this was able to help stop me from making poor decisions my junior year. I was stripped of captain, and forbidden to participate in soccer my senior year. It was surreal at the time, I knew something big, something life changing had happened but I just wasn't sure how big it actually was. I cried for my mistakes, but then I signed up for video class my senior year and everything changed. I pretended it wasn't difficult and continued to be my natural smiley, laugh out loud self, but inside it was terrifying. My assignments for video class required me to take our mini dv video cameras and go to sporting events to record the games. This I loved because it still meant I was able to be on the field instead of the stands. I went to volleyball games, soccer games, football games, anything that was happening I was there with my camera to record it. Luckily I had made some great friends that year and they guided me through my first editing tutorial. They're names were Jon & Silas. These guys were so smart I couldn't even wrap my brain around what they were telling me sometimes. I remember one time having to ask Jon if he could draw a diagram of what he wanted me to do because I didn't understand how Final Cut Pro worked. Looking back it's kind of really funny, thank god those guys were there because if not, who knows what those football and basketball highlight reels would have looked like. We ended up doing live news casts for our announcements, and added sketch shows to them as well. They became extremely popular and all the kids seemed to want to have their sketch on the Friday shows. It was all the perfect distraction to cover up my misery. I was back in the spot light, taping, editing, anchoring, traveling to the convention center to show how our school does green screen, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I'll never forget that year in high school, it was the first time ever that I was forced to care about something other then soccer, and I didn't just care about it, I ended up loving it. 

A lot of great things happened that year. I made new friends, saw the school and the students attending it in a whole different spot light, and I was focused on school work for the first time, ever. After graduation I had decided to attend the Art Institute of Pittsburgh for Digital Media Productions. I moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and never looked back. After more than a decade of loving nothing but soccer, my passion had suddenly changed from being the star, to filming the star. After a couple years of classes, I realized I loved editing more, so again my passion had changed. I bought my own copy of Final Cut Pro, well my dad bought it for me, and after that I was the editor for a lot of our college projects. I graduated before my 4 year mark and felt on top of the world. Everything I thought I wasn't going to be able to finish I had, all my up-all-nights felt worth it, and I had accomplished what I was supposed to by the age of 22. 

Passion is a funny thing in life. Some have the same passion their whole life and love every second of it. I on the other hand, have an ever changing passion pallet. After getting hired directly after college for a professional TV production company, I found myself working in a tech center for syndicated television. Syndicated means anything that has aired more than once, so re-runs basically. I enjoyed it for a while and once again felt an incredible sense of accomplishment. Before I knew it 4 years had passed by and I was still in the same room, doing the same thing, and not making as much money as I thought I would be. Fancy titles, roof top parties, alcohol, bragging rights, but yet, I had lost myself somewhere. The comfortability of having a full-time job, benefits, and an editing position had me thinking, have I lost my passion? I don't care about what I'm doing anymore, I'm not moving up here, there's no where to go, I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore? Thought's of, is this it? Is this how I'm going to spend the rest of my life? There's got to be more out there in the world. I've got to find something that motivates me and inspires me, something that makes me actually want to think and want to care. Something that I enjoy doing like I did my senior year in Mr. Franks class. Then it hit me, I am finally to that point in my life where I am pondering what it was like when I was growing up. I was always the first one to say, I'm never going to want to be 18 again, I can't wait to be an adult and do whatever I want, whenever I want. I couldn't believe I was finally eating my own words. 

Well, after 4 years with a truly great company, I had to turn in my two weeks in order to continue my pursuit of happiness. They did a lot for me, it wasn't them and the company, it was me. I wanted to explore more of the world and see what else was out there waiting for me to come find it. I landed in Raleigh, North Carolina and I'm more happy here then I have been in a really long time. I'm still soul searching and trying to find my next gig, but in the mean time I'm blogging, cooking, and attempting to start a channel on Youtube. I feel my passion changing again and this time I'm OK with it. I still love sports and editing with all my heart and now I know they are with me to stay. Cooking is a new passion of mine, as I am currently working in a kitchen and enjoying every single step it takes in creating a delicious and fresh meal. It reminds me of video productions, except with food. Once I find what it is I am looking for, I will share that with you as well. Until then, don't ever hide behind something you're not in fear of what lies next. You'll find a way to swim through it, if not, that's what life jackets are for. Either way, as long as you're above water, nothing else matters. 

Band aids

Curve balls, hurdles, speed bumps, however you choose to describe the problems in your life is up to you. I personally like the curve ball term. I constantly celebrate the 'once in a blue moon' home runs, then constantly get hit with curve balls directly afterwards. Little time for celebrating when there are curve balls flying all over the place. Nonetheless I carry on because that's just what I do. I'm not sure why I haven't just thrown my hands in the air and said "That's it! You win universe. I'm DONE." Ha, who am I kidding, I do that all the time.

I am lucky enough to have recently relocated to Raleigh, North Carolina and so far I am loving it. It's freaking beautiful here. The weather is great, the people are friendly, and I have yet to use my horn once while driving through the city. That's a big deal for a girl who just moved here from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I took naps on my horn in that city, you can't be on the road three minutes and not hear someone laying on their horn for no damn reason. I love the Steelers and I loved the city life, but after eight years, a nasty break up,  a dead end job, and my mothers drug and alcohol addiction, it was time to go. 

There are these moments in life where I am constantly asking, "why?" Rather it's because something positive or negative happened, I still feel the need to question it for some reason. In the past it was always, "Why is this happening to me?" or "Why did he do that?" or "What the hell was I thinking?" Lately the tables have turned, and honestly it's been for the better. I don't like to question when good things happen, but I'm so used to the opposite that my immediate reaction is, OK something bad is about to happen because nothing good EVER happens. It's terrible I know, but sadly it's the truth. 

I sometimes wonder what it is that makes us born into this world wanting to be loved? Either you're one with this realization or you're not. Regardless, we all want some form of a way to connect with someone, anyone, who we feel gets it. Man to woman, man to man, woman to woman, it doesn't matter to me what or how you get it, I'm just trying to figure out why it is, that we all want that specific connection. The connection I speak of is that moment in time when you lock eyes with someone and at that moment, souls are bared. You both know this specific person understands you and there's nothing you can do about it. Loving or hating the person you just had that connection with cannot be controlled. Sure, we all hide it sometimes and pretend it didn't happen out of connivence, but it still happened. Maybe it's a moments connection and maybe it's a temporary or lifetime connection. If you've ever had or encountered this instance that I speak of, you immediately thought of that person and you've never forgotten who they are, and you probably never will. Maybe you're lucky enough to have had that connection with more than one person, I know I have. Sometimes we part and don't see each other for months, or even years; we're all on different journeys and I get that. But, when our path's do cross time is the last factor that ever matters. Time doesn't exist with people who understand each other. I have people who probably feel as if they have that connection with me, they partially do, but not all the way. There are few select people in this world that don't make me feel like I have to wear a mask. These people don't judge, they don't see me as someone else, they practically know me better than I know myself, and for that, I will always be thankful. Under the thick, onion like layers, behind the white lies, the "yea I understand", behind what you think you're hiding form the world, those people in your corner know what's going on. Even if you yourself think you have fooled them, they know. You, me, we all need these people in out lives. These people who refuse to give up on us, who constantly remind us of who we are when we forget, the people who have your back through sun rays and stormy days, you'll thank them one day. One day you'll be happy to admit you need them instead of denying them and pushing them away. 

I used to be afraid that I needed people. Admitting I liked when someone was around was terrifying. Allowing myself to believe someone has my back means trusting them to protect your back instead of stabbing it. I haven't always been a very trustworthy person because every time I thought I could trust someone, I ended up having to pull their knife out of my back. What happened over time was I became better with my judgement in people. The fog that had been lingering for years finally decided to lift, and suddenly I was able to see who was there all along, and who was never really there at all. Yea, of course I had apologies to make and pride to swallow, but the people who never left didn't care for my apologies. They weren't the ones that left, I did. 

No one likes to admit when they're wrong. I sure as hell don't. When the time comes and I'm forced to face my demons and my fears, and there's no where left to run, I do it. I realized the hard way the longer you carry worries around without talking about it, the longer you go without realizing everyone is going through something. Admitting, realizing, and moving on makes you human. I've been burned many times, life isn't always peachy. Even if you are admitting to your mistakes and trying to mend loose ends, doesn't mean it's going to be a walk in the park. Everyday we overcome an obstacle doesn't mean we're permanently clearing our plate, we're just making room for the next round. It's like finishing all the food on your plate before returning for seconds, if you don't take care of the first round, it's just more you're going to have to deal with the second time. 

Last but not least, just because you fail at something doesn't mean it's not for you. Normally it's the universe testing to see how badly you want it. If you want it bad enough, 100 fails to receive 1 win is worth it. If it's not, then you know it's not for you. I'm not afraid of being burned anymore because it's inevitable. Put your band aids on and with time you'll always heal.