Monday, September 16, 2013


   Normally when I hear the word falling, I can only assume something is falling to pieces. I like to think of myself as a glass half full type of person but, this word alone always makes me assume the negative. I am currently falling, and for the first time in my life, I am falling into place. It's been one hell of a struggle. It feels like I've been fighting for about 10 years now. Fighting to figure out who I am, fighting to hold relationships together that weren't meant to be. I fought my way through my mom's disappearance, and re-appearance, and I also fought my way through college and onto graduation. Once I was in the real world, I fought once again to figure out what it was that I wanted to do with my life. After four years of not understanding what, or where I was supposed to be, I landed in North Carolina. Right here, right now, at this very moment, I can say with true honesty, I am finally falling into place.

   Since early March of 2013 I have been running the Baguettaboutit Food Truck. Two men went out on a limb, trusted my honesty, capabilities, and work ethic and put me in charge of almost everything. In doing so, they have made my dreams come true. Maybe they know how much it meant to me to run
this operation, maybe they don't. I owe them everything because some people never know what it's like for their dreams to come true. I moved here just simply believing I could give myself a better life. I wanted to work in culinary and dreamed of having my own food truck, but this, this is way better. It was like jumping into the middle of an intense double-dutch game, and only seeing others use jump ropes, but never having used one myself, and saying, "I got this". It has been the adrenalin rush of a life time and everything I had hoped it would be. It has only been about 6 months and it feels so natural it's as if I've been doing this my whole life. I've officially been in North Carolina a year now and when looking back, I would have never guessed I'd be where I am today.

Food Trucks 101:
Love your job. As a food truck operator it would be nearly impossible to not love what you do. They are one of the most fun work environments I have ever seen and been in but, it is also very hard work. Some days more then others I am leaving the house around 6 or 7am and not returning until 11pm or later. The easiest way to get through the day is learning to take the good with the bad. There is prep-work, gas and propane issues, truck maintenance, employee hiccups, product tests, and the list goes on. The moment I arrive on site, get a feel for the atmosphere, and realize the only reason I am there is because people have specifically requested our food; it's an incredible moment. People start to get curious and before we know it, the line is down the street. It almost gives me goosebumps just sitting here writing about it. The whole process is just beautiful to me. People have seemed to really love our product so there are regulars now, along with the newbs. The "newbs" are first timers and are new to our truck. They approach with smiles on their faces and have about 20 questions before they order. After all, it's not everyday you see a fresh baked baguette get stabbed by a hot metal spike and stuffed with delicious NC sausage! These moments that I speak of are the moments where you forget you've been awake since 5 or 6 in the morning. You forget that your tired, and you don't care how late you're going to get home that night. There are orders being taken, tickets hanging over there grill, and the smell of sausage is lingering all over Duke Campus, or downtown Raleigh, Fayetteville st., or where ever we happen to be parked that day. To me personally, I love when the world is happy. I love that with simply handing someone a sandwich I can see them smile. Even if it's only for a split second before they return to their life and their own worries, it's still a smile.

Our food truck has big news we're about to release. I am going to wait until it is public knowledge to write about it in my blog but, I will say this; another chapter is coming. There is a new mountain I am about to climb and conquer, and I couldn't be more excited. I am very fortunate because the people I have found to be in my corner, and be my supporters in life, have been with my every step of the way during my new journey. With long days, late hours, and an ever-changing work schedule, my boyfriend has never given up on me. Through the ups and downs of making my dreams a reality this past year, he has stood right by my side. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the only person that has ever made me feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. My parents are finally not as worried about me as they used to be. Must mean I'm growing up and making right decisions, right? I like to think so :) With my career and my home life, I can safely assume they know I am happy.

"Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness." -Anonymous

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Before We Met

Before we met we told other people  how much we loved them.

Before we met someone walked down the aisle and promised to take care of you forever.

Before we met I took care of a little tiny kindergarten and promised him I'd always be there.

Before we met I thought I had it all figured out.

Before we met I thought I new what love was.

Before we met I had never once imagined walking down the aisle to anyone... ever.

Before we met I didn't know what I was missing.

Before we met I could only dream of meeting someone as amazing as you.

Before we met we were scared we would never love anyone again.

Before we met I was incomplete.

Before we met I had no idea what people meant when they say they had met their soul mate.

Before we met I wasn't sure if I believed in soul mates.

Before we met I didn't ever expect the day I would be sitting at my computer admitting to the world that there's a possibility that I have found the person I want to wake up to for the rest of my life.

Before we met I would never have enough confidence to post this to the world.

Before we met I was afraid I would never find someone to grow old with.

Before we met we both had our hearts broken.

I love who we are, I love what we are, I love the way we are, and I love everything about you.
Before we met is now the time period in my life that I consider the "Searching For You" phase.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Used 2 Be

All my life people have told me to never give up. Rather these people are on TV, my family and friends, or in magazines and books is regardless. People in general don't like seeing someone who has given up on themselves and on life. Thank god there are still people out there who have high expectations of what life can and should be. I'm not talking about mansions and $100,000 cars, I'm talking about the simplicity of having a dream and never giving up on it. Maybe not giving up can lead to expensive houses and cars, but mainly, for me, I hope it leads to a life of happiness that isn't filled with regrets, and oh I wish I would have done that when I was younger, moments. I used to be the girl who only wore half my heart on my sleeve, I used to be the girl that was afraid to be myself. I used to be clueless when it came to what I wanted to do with my life. Looking back a few years ago when I was writing on paper and not on a blog, I remember writing, "If someone were to come up to me right now and ask me what my dreams and goals are in life, I would stand there with a blank stare on my face and not have an answer." The thought of this alone used to drive me crazy. How could I have come this far and not know what I want to do? It was almost like I was mentally beating myself up because I would think to myself, doesn't everyone have some type of dream? What is wrong with me?! I was 23, graduated from college, and working in television at the time. From the outside looking in, I probably seemed like a happy go lucky girl that had my shit together. Inside, I was screaming. I had no idea what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and everyday I was slowly coming to the realization that I hated my job. After almost three years of this terribly repetitive cycle, I changed from the person I used to be, into the person I wanted to be.

This change most certainly didn't happen over night. It started with my desire to leave Pittsburgh and move somewhere that was going to be warmer, and have better weather. I also knew that I did not want to work in television once I moved. At the time I had been catering on the side with my friend Amanda, and actually liking that more then I did my full time job. Also, about two or three times a week I would visit the 901, Amanda and her husband Matt's house, and she would make these insanely delicious and creative meals, and would basically give me cooking lessons while she did it. I was the happiest when I was at the 901, and when I was there, I was cooking. We would film segments as if it was our own cooking show, I would take pictures of all the dishes, tweet, Instagram, and Facebook them, and share them with any and every one. I realized after a while that cooking is something that makes me happy. The power of food is something amazing. When you serve a hot fresh meal to someone rich or poor, it is something they remember, and something that makes them happy. After many meals and hundreds of photos later, I admitted to myself, friends, and family, that I was considering transitioning over to the culinary world. I was finally only a few, used to be's, away from finding myself.

During the summer of 2012 I used all of my vacation days to travel to various warm locations, in pursuit of a destination where I felt was suitable for me to live. I first went to Raleigh, North Carolina, then I spent over a week in LA and Venice California, and lastly, I went to Florida. In between those big trips I found myself taking frequent weekend trips to NC. They had and still have, an incredible food scene, and more importantly, they have a food truck scene. After talking with Amanda about how we wished to start a food truck some day, to going to the food truck rodeo in Cali on Abbot-Kenny blvd. I was discovering my love and passion for possibly working/owning my own food truck someday. I was leaning more towards NC and when I discovered the Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill areas were blowing up with food trucks, I was pretty much sold.

The old me was extremely nervous to change my life, I was nervous to be letting go of that security 9-5 job with benefits, and yada yada, but the new me was invigorated. Finally I had done my research, found some roommates, secured a job with a catering company in Raleigh, put my two weeks notice in, and was saying my good byes. The hardest part was my family in Ohio, and my Pfennig family in PA. Luckily, I knew as hard as it was to say good bye, it was going to be worth it in the end. I was now wearing my heart proudly on my sleeve, I had soul searched and figured out just what it was I wanted to do in life, and I was making small steps towards the me I always knew was there.

It's been six months now since my move to Raleigh, I've had three jobs and honestly, I've never been happier. A few weeks ago I went to a food truck rodeo in Durham to get some grub and do some research on the local food trucks, one of the trucks had a now hiring sign in the window, I approached the window and asked to speak with someone. I wasn't sure if this was real because it is very rare for food trucks to hire outside, non-family, non-friend people. Well, it was real, and after three weeks of meetings and negotiations, I have accepted the full time position as the truck leader for the Baguettaboutit food truck! Not only am I the new leader of the truck, I am also in charge of the social media as well. Who knew chasing your dreams was literally something that could be accomplished?! I sure didn't. I was always happy for people who said they had and it worked out, but I never knew what it meant until a week ago. I am working with food, leading a food truck, and get to tweet, Instagram, and Facebook as many pics as I want for the truck and business. I wasn't sure what true happiness was, or how to achieve it, but now, I like to think I'm on my way. So, as cheesy as it sounds, to whoever may be reading, it's never too late. I over came the fear to get to know myself, chased after a dream, and shorty, I'll be on my way. The universe works in mysterious ways, In this particular case, it was for me for once, not against me.

Monday, January 28, 2013


There are these moments when I attempt to do the right thing, the nice thing, or the just because thing. Normally it involves going out of my way to do something I should do regularly but somehow, for some reason, don't. For example, we all love are parents, well, most of us do anyway. Just because we love them doesn't mean we don't let their calls go to voicemail occasionally, right? This morning I woke up and decided I would do the right thing and call someone who I hadn't spoken to in a couple of days. This particular someone whom I thought would be happy that I was calling them back, was not. I guess it's my fault for setting my expectations too high, but at the same time, I expect someone who's been trying to get a hold of me to at least be pleased when I call them back in less then 48 hours. WRONG. Sometimes no matter how hard we try in life, pleasing our parents will most likely be one of the most difficult tasks we can be faced with; something we will only know we have achieved when one of us is on a death bed. Hopefully for some it happens sooner than that and in a less dramatic way, but for others, it's all we can hope for. 

Writing is a way for me to rationalize what I'm going through and helps me gain perspective on situations that I am dealing with. It's hard for me to complain about family, especially my parents because I am lucky that they try to be so involved in my life. I talk to them everyday, I don't lie to them anymore for the most part, they constantly support me even if they don't agree with what I am doing, and normally when they butt in and won't leave me alone and drive me crazy, it turns out to be for the best. But sometimes, I just want to complain. Is it necessary to make me feel guilty because two days have gone by and you haven't heard from me? It drives me crazy how much power they have when it comes to guilt. Yes I moved farther away then I already was, but I'm trying to pursure my dreams here and make something of myself so could you back off from time to time without making me feel like a horrible daughter for asking you to do so?! Breath.... that's what I have to tell myself a lot because I know one day they won't be there to bother me anymore, and that's when I'll miss them calling me 23 times a day to see if I'm ok or not.

I don't want to be too specific because I'm sure from time to time they might, by chance, hop on the ol internet machine and see what I'm writing about in this ol blog o mine. However, they always told me it was important to tell the truth, and that sometimes the truth hurts, so, really... I'm just doing what I was told. I know I'm now alone in the category of, sometimes my parents annoy the shit out of me, and I also know I won't be alone when I one day become that annoying parent and understand all the annoying things they put me through. Currently I am still the child and still trying to figure out my mark in society, so I guess that gives them the right to do what they do, and say what they say until I figure it out. I guess it's fair, I still need their assistance from time to time, and as much as the might not understand why I decided to change lives, job markets, and states, they're still there for me. 

It wasn't until I moved to college when I discovered just how much they really did love me. I always knew I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, electricity, vacations, clothes, incredible holidays, but I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone had those amenities and although I was an appreciative child, I wasn't completely aware that not everyone lived this type of lifestyle. Being as they have been divorced since I was 1, they did a damn good job making sure they were equally a part of my life. Putting ones own interests, dislikes, and desires aside for the sake of a child isn't something every parent is capable of doing. Once I was out of the house and going to college, I realized how many people out there considered me to be a lucky one. I was confused because I wasn't sure what they meant by that. Once I took note that they were referring to how much love they saw my parents had for me, I was forced to take a step back and look outside the box. I lived three hours from home, and yet I saw my parents more in 6 months them some saw theirs in years. That's when it hit me, that's the day I called both of them up separately and acknowledged their love and support, and actually said thank you. Now that I am 26 and not 18 I have been able to realize how important it is to gain your parents approval. Maybe not for everything in life, but for me there is always that voice in my head saying, "Man my parents aren't going to like this", or "Man I hope my parents are proud of me". I don't have an explanation as to why I care so much, but I do. I lie to myself sometimes and say, "It doesn't matter what they think", but then I sit down at the computer like I am now, and I come to terms with the fact that, yea it really does matter and I'll never be able to change that. 

I am an only child, but there have always been 3 of us. My Mom, my Dad, and myself. We are not perfect by any means, we all have our moments and times where we are mad, or maybe not doing so well but, like they want for me, I also want for them. I want them to be happy and I know a lot of the times they haven't been. Rather it was because they felt like they didn't support me enough, (which they always did and still do), or just not being able to find what it is they are looking for. I just want them to be content with where they are and who they are, but that's not an easy task to accomplish. The more I grow up, more or less, I am understanding more about them everyday. I hope they know I am happy and I am content with life. I also hope they know that I will never give up until I have accomplished something with the time I am given here on earth. I love them so very much and I hope one day we can all truly mean it wen we say, "Yes, I am happy."  Until then, I'll keep moving forward and living everyday in hopes that I am making you proud parents. 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

"Just Keep Swimming"

Life doesn't always go as planned, and thank god for that. If it had gone the way I planned I'd probably be in a foreign country playing soccer for some team I can't even pronounce. Instead, I'm here in Raleigh, North Carolina, somewhere I never pictured or planned on being, and I've never been happier.
If it weren't for my plans going terribly, terribly wrong I might not have made it here. I left a career I hated, I found the man of my dreams, and I'm slowly realizing that starting over from scratch isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm still not used to being one of the oldest people at my job, but it's not the worst thing in the world. Wanting to chase your dreams and actually pursuing it are completely different tasks. When I left my security blanket behind and decided to up and quit my job in television, my fears were simple, what am I going to say when people ask me what I do now? How will I explain to my friends and family that I want to start over without feeling embarrassed? I hated thinking that I was taking a step backwards. Answer; sometimes you have to take a step backwards in order to take a leap forwards.

It's easy for me to answer questions like. "What are yo doing now that you have settled in Raleigh?" I say, "I've switched career paths and I am learning culinary skills along with business management so I can own my own restaurant and or food truck one day." I had to get over the fear that chasing my dreams was a silly thing to do and that it could never happen. The silly thing was thinking that chasing my dreams couldn't become a reality one day. I'm learning the catering world, I learn how to puree foods, and how to properly hold a knife. I'm also learning the in's and out's of running a widely known and successful country club, and I'm loving every minute of it. Sure, people look at me when I tell them what I used to do and what I am doing now, and I can see it in their eyes when they say one thing to me but really mean another. The great thing about over coming fears in life is learning when other people doubt you in front of your face, or behind your back for that matter, to use it as stepping stones to success, not failure. It'll bug me for a minute or two, I'll have to write a blog or a journal entry, maybe do a yoga session or go for a run, but at the end of every day there is not one thing I would change about my life. Im right where I want to be, and right where I need to be and it's the first time I have ever felt balanced in the 26 years I've been alive.

The current love of my life is a major reason I've been able to find myself. I did a little soul searching by myself before I moved here, but having someone stand behind me who encourages me and supports me, and lets me know he's there no matter what my dreams and goals are, has been incredible. For those of you thinking, well I don't have a significant other; it doesn't have to be a partner, as long as you are capable of surrounding yourself by people who actually care about you, that is love. Love can be found anywhere, neighbors who take time to check on you, even if you think they might be annoying, friends who never stop calling or coming to visit, people who support you through the good and the bad, that is love, and when you have it, you should fight for it and never let it go. I have never had anything this great before either. Once I got myself situated and on the right path, I organized my friends list (in real life not just on Facebook), and I took the time and patience to realize who was going to be there for good and who was just passing by. After that, which took a few years, everything just started falling into place. No, it didn't just show up on my doorstep, I had to go out in the world and fight for what I wanted, but eventually I learned to start showing up for the right fights, and that's when I started winning.

For now I have a simple plan and a simple life and I am ok with that. Some people might want more for themselves and that's ok too. Whatever it is that you desire in life, keep desiring, keep moving forward, and never give up. I could have settled into my old life with my security blanket and my city job, but when I started listening to my heart and steered away from my fears, I soon realized the possibilities of doing what I want with my life, are endless.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Just the Beginning

   I sat down at my desk today and instead of blogging, I took out my notebook and began writing with pencil on actual paper. I used to do this all the time. I have books and books filled with my writings and thoughts, and it used to be a daily routine of mine. People were always telling me I should make it into a book, or blog about it and share it, but the idea of sharing my thoughts with the world always freaked me out. Blogging is different then when I get to sit down and write to no one other then myself. Online is a place for judgement, comparison, and public thought. Everyone can see it, read it, talk about it, and share it with 50+ million people. Hell, someone could even blog about my blog. Sometimes the thought alone drives me crazy. I get more calm when I write because it's the only place without judgement. No one looking over my shoulder correcting me or telling me where to put a comma, or where not to put a comma. I like writing and not typing because I feel more in control. I don't always know the outcome when I sit down with my pen/pencil and paper, but I always know I can say whatever I want and not feel guilty because I know no one is going to read it. I don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings or wishing I could take back something I said, I just blurt out whatever I'm thinking without regret. It's an incredible feeling and release of tension,  and I don't have to carry extra weight on my shoulders all the time because I get all my thoughts, fears, and worries down on paper then go seize the day.
   Right now my problem is comparison. I am always the one preaching to never compare yourself to someone because everyone is different; were not all supposed to be the same, look the same, and so on. I used to do it all the time but luckily I realized it was completely unnecessary and I stopped. My current dilemma is, where I am vs. where everyone else is. I don't mean locations, I am referring to the stages in one's life. "Did you hear so & so is getting married?" "OMG I just heard so & so is pregnant!" Facebook is also a daily routine of how we all see where everyone we have ever met is doing and has done. We (society) seem to be obsessed with comparing ourselves to other people. If we weren't, none of us would have Facebook and 10 other social media accounts. I'm guilty of it. I share my life with my "friends" on Facebook, I tweet randomness to my followers, I upload photos to Instagram to display my master of photography. I also pin all of my interests (or some of them) onto a virtual cork board instead of the one hanging in my room. I now use Google+ and am still trying to figure out what that actually does for me, or why I use it. Lastly, I blog. I blog my thoughts to the world instead of writing them down on paper. I even wrote this entry on paper but still somehow felt the need to blog about it. We create so many ways to keep up, keep track, and keep tabs on one another and after writing about, seems a bit silly... at least to me anyway. Regardless I do it and will continue to do it because I love it, sometimes. 
   I already feel better and I haven't even discussed what's really on my mind. I don't care what anyone says, writing is therapy. I started to write to day because I was feeling like I'm not exactly where I should be in life. I was thinking about where I thought I was going to be and where I am now. All I ever said as a child besides the typical, "I want to be a millionaire", was that I wanted to be happy. It wasn't a huge, I'm going to grow up and become the president one day type of goal, but it was realistic and kept me content. I still have that very same goal because it's still all I ever want. I left my hometown and went to college, that made me happy. I graduated and immediately got a job in my field, that made me happy. But, something changed in those 4 years after college. I came to the conclusion that doing that job for the rest of my life, or even working in that industry, was not going to make me happy. So, I packed up my bags and my life and moved down south. So far, I'm happy. I got out of television and now I am cooking. Actually, I've never felt happier. Maybe I'm not where I thought I was going to be, nor am I doing what I pictured myself to be doing. The fact is, true happiness can exist. For me it's right here, right now in Raleigh, North Carolina. I have great friends, incredible family, the best boyfriend in the whole world, and I figured out my love and passion in life is cooking. For the first time in my life I have a real goal, I want to be in the restaurant business. Sure it's messy, dirty, hard work, long hours, and expensive, but I love it. I don't just want to work in this industry though, I want to own something in this industry. Many years form now I will look back and remember the day when I officially decided that I want to own my own restaurant. 
   In the end it doesn't matter where we were once, it matters where we are. I'm sure this won't be the last time I compare myself and my life to someone else, lord knows others will also do it for me. I do know that moving here was the best decision I have ever made. One day when you visit the great state of North Carolina, I hope to welcome you into my very own, farm to table, delicious and out of this world restaurant. Until then, I'll blog about it and let you know how it's going.

Sunday, December 2, 2012


I have been to many crossroads in life where I had to stand there scratching my head wondering which way is going to lead me down a better path then the other one. Occasionally it's an easy choice and I fly right through, but at times I found myself constantly looking in the rearview mirror wondering if I did the right thing. College choices, career decisions, moving out of state, all of these battles were not walks in the park. One battle I am constantly fighting is relationships. Give 100% get 55% is usually how it goes. There are times when it is even and the sense of happiness knocks on my door, but usually I don't answer because fear is knocking at the other one. I end up waiting too long to open either door and the relationship fades away because I was too afraid to trust someone. I think half the battle is knowing ones self. I have come to encounters where I was unable to give an opinion or make a decision because I simply didn't know who I was. I have also realized how much that annoys people sometimes. I give myself excuses because I am still in my twenties and still discovering just what it is I really love, and who I really am. I think that when I'm with someone not only are we both learning about each other, it's also a learning experience for ourselves. I used to put so much pressure on myself because I felt by the age of 24 I should know everything there is to know about myself, later I realized it's ok not to know. I am 26, almost 27, and I am still learning new ways about what I do, and do not like to do. There was this previous relationship I was in where every time I said I was unsure of something, or didn't know, or was clueless how to answer him, it drove him absolutely crazy. It was then I realized that I needed to find someone that was still discovering themselves like I am. Someone who wasn't going to judge me for everything I did or didn't do. Someone who understands that not everything is a golden brick road and someone who is ok with having to work to get somewhere in life. 

Rather a good relationship or a bad one, they do not seem to last. I was in a relationship once for four years, but a year before it ended it was already over. From observation and experience it seems as if we stay in one place longer then we want to just to see what could happen, or to see if someone or something has the ability to change. We put up with situations and qualities we know we couldn't live with forever, we make up excuses that it won't be this way much longer and it's 'just a phase'. We write songs and books, we build monuments and castles for the ones we love. We do this for the ones we want to love us back, or for relationships we're trying to save. I say we and we're simply because as a society we all want to love and be loved back. Some will not admit to this but regardless, they are still seeking some type of connection with another person of equal interest and understanding. Leaving a relationship and starting a new one is always a fun challenge. Fun meaning frustrating, hilarious, awkward, annoying, and sometimes just flat out weird. Being used to other ways but conforming and learning new ones. My particular situation is a relief type of change. From being with hard headed, stubborn, funny guys who had absolutely no care in the world except for themselves and their wants and needs, to finding someone who thinks about others for a change. I don't always know how to react, and that in turn, leads me to question the silliest things sometimes. I'm not used to someone being extremely thoughtful and considerate. Someone who actually meets me halfway is confusing when I'm used to going 60 and 70% all the time. I'm constantly overlapping them because I'm unfamiliar with it being a two way street and actually meeting me half way. Once again I'm learning something new about myself. I'm learning that every other relationship I have ever been in has failed because it wasn't supposed to work in the first place. The most generic example is a puzzle piece. Sometimes when putting a puzzle together you come across this one particular piece that you swear on everything fits in this one particular place, you leave it there denying the fact that it could actually fit somewhere else. You mess with it, turning it, pounding your fist on it to make it ft into that spot because you're sick of seeing where else it could go. After finally moving on and finishing another section of the puzzle, suddenly you discover that another piece you have fits that previous spot you had been fussing with. It fits perfectly and now you realized you spent an hour trying to make that puzzle piece fit somewhere it didn't belong in the first place. Back to my situation, I've tried many times to make certain people fit in my life, trying to change who I was, pretending to be something I wasn't just to see if that would make it better. Changing the way I live, the way I think, my beliefs. I can't stress enough now, how ridiculous that is to try and accomplish. After years of convincing myself I would never find someone who wouldn't make me conform and change into something I simply am not, and never will be, and giving up, that person knocked on my door, and this time I wasn't afraid to answer. This time I figured I had nothing to lose and I went into it allowing myself to be nothing except myself. Well, holy shit what do you know? It's actually working. I'm learning what it's like when someone takes time to get to know me, what it's like to only have to bring 50% because he actually shows up with the other half. It gives me goosebumps sometimes because I think to myself, is this real? Am I really allowing myself to be happy without allowing fear to make me run away from that feeling? I am. I am, and I am loving it. 

It's early on and sometimes I get ahead of myself, but who doesn't when they are overwhelmed with a feeling they have never had before?! The old me would never blog about such a thing because I wouldn't want anyone to read, judge, or disagree. That's the glory of being able to take time to discover yourself, I have discovered that everyone is going through something and everyone for the most part, has some crazy shit going on. For me writing about it brings a little more sense to the table when thinking about life and what I'm going through, and have already been through. I don't know if he will read this but if he does, thank you. Thank you for showing up with your game face on. Thank you for making me smile and laugh every single day. Thank you for taking that 50% seriously, it means more to me then you will ever know. And most importantly, thank you for allowing me to believe in someone again, when clearly we both know I really didn't want to.