Monday, January 28, 2013


There are these moments when I attempt to do the right thing, the nice thing, or the just because thing. Normally it involves going out of my way to do something I should do regularly but somehow, for some reason, don't. For example, we all love are parents, well, most of us do anyway. Just because we love them doesn't mean we don't let their calls go to voicemail occasionally, right? This morning I woke up and decided I would do the right thing and call someone who I hadn't spoken to in a couple of days. This particular someone whom I thought would be happy that I was calling them back, was not. I guess it's my fault for setting my expectations too high, but at the same time, I expect someone who's been trying to get a hold of me to at least be pleased when I call them back in less then 48 hours. WRONG. Sometimes no matter how hard we try in life, pleasing our parents will most likely be one of the most difficult tasks we can be faced with; something we will only know we have achieved when one of us is on a death bed. Hopefully for some it happens sooner than that and in a less dramatic way, but for others, it's all we can hope for. 

Writing is a way for me to rationalize what I'm going through and helps me gain perspective on situations that I am dealing with. It's hard for me to complain about family, especially my parents because I am lucky that they try to be so involved in my life. I talk to them everyday, I don't lie to them anymore for the most part, they constantly support me even if they don't agree with what I am doing, and normally when they butt in and won't leave me alone and drive me crazy, it turns out to be for the best. But sometimes, I just want to complain. Is it necessary to make me feel guilty because two days have gone by and you haven't heard from me? It drives me crazy how much power they have when it comes to guilt. Yes I moved farther away then I already was, but I'm trying to pursure my dreams here and make something of myself so could you back off from time to time without making me feel like a horrible daughter for asking you to do so?! Breath.... that's what I have to tell myself a lot because I know one day they won't be there to bother me anymore, and that's when I'll miss them calling me 23 times a day to see if I'm ok or not.

I don't want to be too specific because I'm sure from time to time they might, by chance, hop on the ol internet machine and see what I'm writing about in this ol blog o mine. However, they always told me it was important to tell the truth, and that sometimes the truth hurts, so, really... I'm just doing what I was told. I know I'm now alone in the category of, sometimes my parents annoy the shit out of me, and I also know I won't be alone when I one day become that annoying parent and understand all the annoying things they put me through. Currently I am still the child and still trying to figure out my mark in society, so I guess that gives them the right to do what they do, and say what they say until I figure it out. I guess it's fair, I still need their assistance from time to time, and as much as the might not understand why I decided to change lives, job markets, and states, they're still there for me. 

It wasn't until I moved to college when I discovered just how much they really did love me. I always knew I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, electricity, vacations, clothes, incredible holidays, but I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone had those amenities and although I was an appreciative child, I wasn't completely aware that not everyone lived this type of lifestyle. Being as they have been divorced since I was 1, they did a damn good job making sure they were equally a part of my life. Putting ones own interests, dislikes, and desires aside for the sake of a child isn't something every parent is capable of doing. Once I was out of the house and going to college, I realized how many people out there considered me to be a lucky one. I was confused because I wasn't sure what they meant by that. Once I took note that they were referring to how much love they saw my parents had for me, I was forced to take a step back and look outside the box. I lived three hours from home, and yet I saw my parents more in 6 months them some saw theirs in years. That's when it hit me, that's the day I called both of them up separately and acknowledged their love and support, and actually said thank you. Now that I am 26 and not 18 I have been able to realize how important it is to gain your parents approval. Maybe not for everything in life, but for me there is always that voice in my head saying, "Man my parents aren't going to like this", or "Man I hope my parents are proud of me". I don't have an explanation as to why I care so much, but I do. I lie to myself sometimes and say, "It doesn't matter what they think", but then I sit down at the computer like I am now, and I come to terms with the fact that, yea it really does matter and I'll never be able to change that. 

I am an only child, but there have always been 3 of us. My Mom, my Dad, and myself. We are not perfect by any means, we all have our moments and times where we are mad, or maybe not doing so well but, like they want for me, I also want for them. I want them to be happy and I know a lot of the times they haven't been. Rather it was because they felt like they didn't support me enough, (which they always did and still do), or just not being able to find what it is they are looking for. I just want them to be content with where they are and who they are, but that's not an easy task to accomplish. The more I grow up, more or less, I am understanding more about them everyday. I hope they know I am happy and I am content with life. I also hope they know that I will never give up until I have accomplished something with the time I am given here on earth. I love them so very much and I hope one day we can all truly mean it wen we say, "Yes, I am happy."  Until then, I'll keep moving forward and living everyday in hopes that I am making you proud parents. 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

"Just Keep Swimming"

Life doesn't always go as planned, and thank god for that. If it had gone the way I planned I'd probably be in a foreign country playing soccer for some team I can't even pronounce. Instead, I'm here in Raleigh, North Carolina, somewhere I never pictured or planned on being, and I've never been happier.
If it weren't for my plans going terribly, terribly wrong I might not have made it here. I left a career I hated, I found the man of my dreams, and I'm slowly realizing that starting over from scratch isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm still not used to being one of the oldest people at my job, but it's not the worst thing in the world. Wanting to chase your dreams and actually pursuing it are completely different tasks. When I left my security blanket behind and decided to up and quit my job in television, my fears were simple, what am I going to say when people ask me what I do now? How will I explain to my friends and family that I want to start over without feeling embarrassed? I hated thinking that I was taking a step backwards. Answer; sometimes you have to take a step backwards in order to take a leap forwards.

It's easy for me to answer questions like. "What are yo doing now that you have settled in Raleigh?" I say, "I've switched career paths and I am learning culinary skills along with business management so I can own my own restaurant and or food truck one day." I had to get over the fear that chasing my dreams was a silly thing to do and that it could never happen. The silly thing was thinking that chasing my dreams couldn't become a reality one day. I'm learning the catering world, I learn how to puree foods, and how to properly hold a knife. I'm also learning the in's and out's of running a widely known and successful country club, and I'm loving every minute of it. Sure, people look at me when I tell them what I used to do and what I am doing now, and I can see it in their eyes when they say one thing to me but really mean another. The great thing about over coming fears in life is learning when other people doubt you in front of your face, or behind your back for that matter, to use it as stepping stones to success, not failure. It'll bug me for a minute or two, I'll have to write a blog or a journal entry, maybe do a yoga session or go for a run, but at the end of every day there is not one thing I would change about my life. Im right where I want to be, and right where I need to be and it's the first time I have ever felt balanced in the 26 years I've been alive.

The current love of my life is a major reason I've been able to find myself. I did a little soul searching by myself before I moved here, but having someone stand behind me who encourages me and supports me, and lets me know he's there no matter what my dreams and goals are, has been incredible. For those of you thinking, well I don't have a significant other; it doesn't have to be a partner, as long as you are capable of surrounding yourself by people who actually care about you, that is love. Love can be found anywhere, neighbors who take time to check on you, even if you think they might be annoying, friends who never stop calling or coming to visit, people who support you through the good and the bad, that is love, and when you have it, you should fight for it and never let it go. I have never had anything this great before either. Once I got myself situated and on the right path, I organized my friends list (in real life not just on Facebook), and I took the time and patience to realize who was going to be there for good and who was just passing by. After that, which took a few years, everything just started falling into place. No, it didn't just show up on my doorstep, I had to go out in the world and fight for what I wanted, but eventually I learned to start showing up for the right fights, and that's when I started winning.

For now I have a simple plan and a simple life and I am ok with that. Some people might want more for themselves and that's ok too. Whatever it is that you desire in life, keep desiring, keep moving forward, and never give up. I could have settled into my old life with my security blanket and my city job, but when I started listening to my heart and steered away from my fears, I soon realized the possibilities of doing what I want with my life, are endless.