There are these moments when I attempt to do the right thing, the nice thing, or the just because thing. Normally it involves going out of my way to do something I should do regularly but somehow, for some reason, don't. For example, we all love are parents, well, most of us do anyway. Just because we love them doesn't mean we don't let their calls go to voicemail occasionally, right? This morning I woke up and decided I would do the right thing and call someone who I hadn't spoken to in a couple of days. This particular someone whom I thought would be happy that I was calling them back, was not. I guess it's my fault for setting my expectations too high, but at the same time, I expect someone who's been trying to get a hold of me to at least be pleased when I call them back in less then 48 hours. WRONG. Sometimes no matter how hard we try in life, pleasing our parents will most likely be one of the most difficult tasks we can be faced with; something we will only know we have achieved when one of us is on a death bed. Hopefully for some it happens sooner than that and in a less dramatic way, but for others, it's all we can hope for.
Writing is a way for me to rationalize what I'm going through and helps me gain perspective on situations that I am dealing with. It's hard for me to complain about family, especially my parents because I am lucky that they try to be so involved in my life. I talk to them everyday, I don't lie to them anymore for the most part, they constantly support me even if they don't agree with what I am doing, and normally when they butt in and won't leave me alone and drive me crazy, it turns out to be for the best. But sometimes, I just want to complain. Is it necessary to make me feel guilty because two days have gone by and you haven't heard from me? It drives me crazy how much power they have when it comes to guilt. Yes I moved farther away then I already was, but I'm trying to pursure my dreams here and make something of myself so could you back off from time to time without making me feel like a horrible daughter for asking you to do so?! Breath.... that's what I have to tell myself a lot because I know one day they won't be there to bother me anymore, and that's when I'll miss them calling me 23 times a day to see if I'm ok or not.
I don't want to be too specific because I'm sure from time to time they might, by chance, hop on the ol internet machine and see what I'm writing about in this ol blog o mine. However, they always told me it was important to tell the truth, and that sometimes the truth hurts, so, really... I'm just doing what I was told. I know I'm now alone in the category of, sometimes my parents annoy the shit out of me, and I also know I won't be alone when I one day become that annoying parent and understand all the annoying things they put me through. Currently I am still the child and still trying to figure out my mark in society, so I guess that gives them the right to do what they do, and say what they say until I figure it out. I guess it's fair, I still need their assistance from time to time, and as much as the might not understand why I decided to change lives, job markets, and states, they're still there for me.
It wasn't until I moved to college when I discovered just how much they really did love me. I always knew I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, electricity, vacations, clothes, incredible holidays, but I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone had those amenities and although I was an appreciative child, I wasn't completely aware that not everyone lived this type of lifestyle. Being as they have been divorced since I was 1, they did a damn good job making sure they were equally a part of my life. Putting ones own interests, dislikes, and desires aside for the sake of a child isn't something every parent is capable of doing. Once I was out of the house and going to college, I realized how many people out there considered me to be a lucky one. I was confused because I wasn't sure what they meant by that. Once I took note that they were referring to how much love they saw my parents had for me, I was forced to take a step back and look outside the box. I lived three hours from home, and yet I saw my parents more in 6 months them some saw theirs in years. That's when it hit me, that's the day I called both of them up separately and acknowledged their love and support, and actually said thank you. Now that I am 26 and not 18 I have been able to realize how important it is to gain your parents approval. Maybe not for everything in life, but for me there is always that voice in my head saying, "Man my parents aren't going to like this", or "Man I hope my parents are proud of me". I don't have an explanation as to why I care so much, but I do. I lie to myself sometimes and say, "It doesn't matter what they think", but then I sit down at the computer like I am now, and I come to terms with the fact that, yea it really does matter and I'll never be able to change that.
I am an only child, but there have always been 3 of us. My Mom, my Dad, and myself. We are not perfect by any means, we all have our moments and times where we are mad, or maybe not doing so well but, like they want for me, I also want for them. I want them to be happy and I know a lot of the times they haven't been. Rather it was because they felt like they didn't support me enough, (which they always did and still do), or just not being able to find what it is they are looking for. I just want them to be content with where they are and who they are, but that's not an easy task to accomplish. The more I grow up, more or less, I am understanding more about them everyday. I hope they know I am happy and I am content with life. I also hope they know that I will never give up until I have accomplished something with the time I am given here on earth. I love them so very much and I hope one day we can all truly mean it wen we say, "Yes, I am happy." Until then, I'll keep moving forward and living everyday in hopes that I am making you proud parents.
