I am lucky enough to have recently relocated to Raleigh, North Carolina and so far I am loving it. It's freaking beautiful here. The weather is great, the people are friendly, and I have yet to use my horn once while driving through the city. That's a big deal for a girl who just moved here from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I took naps on my horn in that city, you can't be on the road three minutes and not hear someone laying on their horn for no damn reason. I love the Steelers and I loved the city life, but after eight years, a nasty break up, a dead end job, and my mothers drug and alcohol addiction, it was time to go.
There are these moments in life where I am constantly asking, "why?" Rather it's because something positive or negative happened, I still feel the need to question it for some reason. In the past it was always, "Why is this happening to me?" or "Why did he do that?" or "What the hell was I thinking?" Lately the tables have turned, and honestly it's been for the better. I don't like to question when good things happen, but I'm so used to the opposite that my immediate reaction is, OK something bad is about to happen because nothing good EVER happens. It's terrible I know, but sadly it's the truth.
I sometimes wonder what it is that makes us born into this world wanting to be loved? Either you're one with this realization or you're not. Regardless, we all want some form of a way to connect with someone, anyone, who we feel gets it. Man to woman, man to man, woman to woman, it doesn't matter to me what or how you get it, I'm just trying to figure out why it is, that we all want that specific connection. The connection I speak of is that moment in time when you lock eyes with someone and at that moment, souls are bared. You both know this specific person understands you and there's nothing you can do about it. Loving or hating the person you just had that connection with cannot be controlled. Sure, we all hide it sometimes and pretend it didn't happen out of connivence, but it still happened. Maybe it's a moments connection and maybe it's a temporary or lifetime connection. If you've ever had or encountered this instance that I speak of, you immediately thought of that person and you've never forgotten who they are, and you probably never will. Maybe you're lucky enough to have had that connection with more than one person, I know I have. Sometimes we part and don't see each other for months, or even years; we're all on different journeys and I get that. But, when our path's do cross time is the last factor that ever matters. Time doesn't exist with people who understand each other. I have people who probably feel as if they have that connection with me, they partially do, but not all the way. There are few select people in this world that don't make me feel like I have to wear a mask. These people don't judge, they don't see me as someone else, they practically know me better than I know myself, and for that, I will always be thankful. Under the thick, onion like layers, behind the white lies, the "yea I understand", behind what you think you're hiding form the world, those people in your corner know what's going on. Even if you yourself think you have fooled them, they know. You, me, we all need these people in out lives. These people who refuse to give up on us, who constantly remind us of who we are when we forget, the people who have your back through sun rays and stormy days, you'll thank them one day. One day you'll be happy to admit you need them instead of denying them and pushing them away.
I used to be afraid that I needed people. Admitting I liked when someone was around was terrifying. Allowing myself to believe someone has my back means trusting them to protect your back instead of stabbing it. I haven't always been a very trustworthy person because every time I thought I could trust someone, I ended up having to pull their knife out of my back. What happened over time was I became better with my judgement in people. The fog that had been lingering for years finally decided to lift, and suddenly I was able to see who was there all along, and who was never really there at all. Yea, of course I had apologies to make and pride to swallow, but the people who never left didn't care for my apologies. They weren't the ones that left, I did.
No one likes to admit when they're wrong. I sure as hell don't. When the time comes and I'm forced to face my demons and my fears, and there's no where left to run, I do it. I realized the hard way the longer you carry worries around without talking about it, the longer you go without realizing everyone is going through something. Admitting, realizing, and moving on makes you human. I've been burned many times, life isn't always peachy. Even if you are admitting to your mistakes and trying to mend loose ends, doesn't mean it's going to be a walk in the park. Everyday we overcome an obstacle doesn't mean we're permanently clearing our plate, we're just making room for the next round. It's like finishing all the food on your plate before returning for seconds, if you don't take care of the first round, it's just more you're going to have to deal with the second time.
Last but not least, just because you fail at something doesn't mean it's not for you. Normally it's the universe testing to see how badly you want it. If you want it bad enough, 100 fails to receive 1 win is worth it. If it's not, then you know it's not for you. I'm not afraid of being burned anymore because it's inevitable. Put your band aids on and with time you'll always heal.