Thursday, December 13, 2012

Just the Beginning

   I sat down at my desk today and instead of blogging, I took out my notebook and began writing with pencil on actual paper. I used to do this all the time. I have books and books filled with my writings and thoughts, and it used to be a daily routine of mine. People were always telling me I should make it into a book, or blog about it and share it, but the idea of sharing my thoughts with the world always freaked me out. Blogging is different then when I get to sit down and write to no one other then myself. Online is a place for judgement, comparison, and public thought. Everyone can see it, read it, talk about it, and share it with 50+ million people. Hell, someone could even blog about my blog. Sometimes the thought alone drives me crazy. I get more calm when I write because it's the only place without judgement. No one looking over my shoulder correcting me or telling me where to put a comma, or where not to put a comma. I like writing and not typing because I feel more in control. I don't always know the outcome when I sit down with my pen/pencil and paper, but I always know I can say whatever I want and not feel guilty because I know no one is going to read it. I don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings or wishing I could take back something I said, I just blurt out whatever I'm thinking without regret. It's an incredible feeling and release of tension,  and I don't have to carry extra weight on my shoulders all the time because I get all my thoughts, fears, and worries down on paper then go seize the day.
   Right now my problem is comparison. I am always the one preaching to never compare yourself to someone because everyone is different; were not all supposed to be the same, look the same, and so on. I used to do it all the time but luckily I realized it was completely unnecessary and I stopped. My current dilemma is, where I am vs. where everyone else is. I don't mean locations, I am referring to the stages in one's life. "Did you hear so & so is getting married?" "OMG I just heard so & so is pregnant!" Facebook is also a daily routine of how we all see where everyone we have ever met is doing and has done. We (society) seem to be obsessed with comparing ourselves to other people. If we weren't, none of us would have Facebook and 10 other social media accounts. I'm guilty of it. I share my life with my "friends" on Facebook, I tweet randomness to my followers, I upload photos to Instagram to display my master of photography. I also pin all of my interests (or some of them) onto a virtual cork board instead of the one hanging in my room. I now use Google+ and am still trying to figure out what that actually does for me, or why I use it. Lastly, I blog. I blog my thoughts to the world instead of writing them down on paper. I even wrote this entry on paper but still somehow felt the need to blog about it. We create so many ways to keep up, keep track, and keep tabs on one another and after writing about, seems a bit silly... at least to me anyway. Regardless I do it and will continue to do it because I love it, sometimes. 
   I already feel better and I haven't even discussed what's really on my mind. I don't care what anyone says, writing is therapy. I started to write to day because I was feeling like I'm not exactly where I should be in life. I was thinking about where I thought I was going to be and where I am now. All I ever said as a child besides the typical, "I want to be a millionaire", was that I wanted to be happy. It wasn't a huge, I'm going to grow up and become the president one day type of goal, but it was realistic and kept me content. I still have that very same goal because it's still all I ever want. I left my hometown and went to college, that made me happy. I graduated and immediately got a job in my field, that made me happy. But, something changed in those 4 years after college. I came to the conclusion that doing that job for the rest of my life, or even working in that industry, was not going to make me happy. So, I packed up my bags and my life and moved down south. So far, I'm happy. I got out of television and now I am cooking. Actually, I've never felt happier. Maybe I'm not where I thought I was going to be, nor am I doing what I pictured myself to be doing. The fact is, true happiness can exist. For me it's right here, right now in Raleigh, North Carolina. I have great friends, incredible family, the best boyfriend in the whole world, and I figured out my love and passion in life is cooking. For the first time in my life I have a real goal, I want to be in the restaurant business. Sure it's messy, dirty, hard work, long hours, and expensive, but I love it. I don't just want to work in this industry though, I want to own something in this industry. Many years form now I will look back and remember the day when I officially decided that I want to own my own restaurant. 
   In the end it doesn't matter where we were once, it matters where we are. I'm sure this won't be the last time I compare myself and my life to someone else, lord knows others will also do it for me. I do know that moving here was the best decision I have ever made. One day when you visit the great state of North Carolina, I hope to welcome you into my very own, farm to table, delicious and out of this world restaurant. Until then, I'll blog about it and let you know how it's going.