Sunday, December 2, 2012


I have been to many crossroads in life where I had to stand there scratching my head wondering which way is going to lead me down a better path then the other one. Occasionally it's an easy choice and I fly right through, but at times I found myself constantly looking in the rearview mirror wondering if I did the right thing. College choices, career decisions, moving out of state, all of these battles were not walks in the park. One battle I am constantly fighting is relationships. Give 100% get 55% is usually how it goes. There are times when it is even and the sense of happiness knocks on my door, but usually I don't answer because fear is knocking at the other one. I end up waiting too long to open either door and the relationship fades away because I was too afraid to trust someone. I think half the battle is knowing ones self. I have come to encounters where I was unable to give an opinion or make a decision because I simply didn't know who I was. I have also realized how much that annoys people sometimes. I give myself excuses because I am still in my twenties and still discovering just what it is I really love, and who I really am. I think that when I'm with someone not only are we both learning about each other, it's also a learning experience for ourselves. I used to put so much pressure on myself because I felt by the age of 24 I should know everything there is to know about myself, later I realized it's ok not to know. I am 26, almost 27, and I am still learning new ways about what I do, and do not like to do. There was this previous relationship I was in where every time I said I was unsure of something, or didn't know, or was clueless how to answer him, it drove him absolutely crazy. It was then I realized that I needed to find someone that was still discovering themselves like I am. Someone who wasn't going to judge me for everything I did or didn't do. Someone who understands that not everything is a golden brick road and someone who is ok with having to work to get somewhere in life. 

Rather a good relationship or a bad one, they do not seem to last. I was in a relationship once for four years, but a year before it ended it was already over. From observation and experience it seems as if we stay in one place longer then we want to just to see what could happen, or to see if someone or something has the ability to change. We put up with situations and qualities we know we couldn't live with forever, we make up excuses that it won't be this way much longer and it's 'just a phase'. We write songs and books, we build monuments and castles for the ones we love. We do this for the ones we want to love us back, or for relationships we're trying to save. I say we and we're simply because as a society we all want to love and be loved back. Some will not admit to this but regardless, they are still seeking some type of connection with another person of equal interest and understanding. Leaving a relationship and starting a new one is always a fun challenge. Fun meaning frustrating, hilarious, awkward, annoying, and sometimes just flat out weird. Being used to other ways but conforming and learning new ones. My particular situation is a relief type of change. From being with hard headed, stubborn, funny guys who had absolutely no care in the world except for themselves and their wants and needs, to finding someone who thinks about others for a change. I don't always know how to react, and that in turn, leads me to question the silliest things sometimes. I'm not used to someone being extremely thoughtful and considerate. Someone who actually meets me halfway is confusing when I'm used to going 60 and 70% all the time. I'm constantly overlapping them because I'm unfamiliar with it being a two way street and actually meeting me half way. Once again I'm learning something new about myself. I'm learning that every other relationship I have ever been in has failed because it wasn't supposed to work in the first place. The most generic example is a puzzle piece. Sometimes when putting a puzzle together you come across this one particular piece that you swear on everything fits in this one particular place, you leave it there denying the fact that it could actually fit somewhere else. You mess with it, turning it, pounding your fist on it to make it ft into that spot because you're sick of seeing where else it could go. After finally moving on and finishing another section of the puzzle, suddenly you discover that another piece you have fits that previous spot you had been fussing with. It fits perfectly and now you realized you spent an hour trying to make that puzzle piece fit somewhere it didn't belong in the first place. Back to my situation, I've tried many times to make certain people fit in my life, trying to change who I was, pretending to be something I wasn't just to see if that would make it better. Changing the way I live, the way I think, my beliefs. I can't stress enough now, how ridiculous that is to try and accomplish. After years of convincing myself I would never find someone who wouldn't make me conform and change into something I simply am not, and never will be, and giving up, that person knocked on my door, and this time I wasn't afraid to answer. This time I figured I had nothing to lose and I went into it allowing myself to be nothing except myself. Well, holy shit what do you know? It's actually working. I'm learning what it's like when someone takes time to get to know me, what it's like to only have to bring 50% because he actually shows up with the other half. It gives me goosebumps sometimes because I think to myself, is this real? Am I really allowing myself to be happy without allowing fear to make me run away from that feeling? I am. I am, and I am loving it. 

It's early on and sometimes I get ahead of myself, but who doesn't when they are overwhelmed with a feeling they have never had before?! The old me would never blog about such a thing because I wouldn't want anyone to read, judge, or disagree. That's the glory of being able to take time to discover yourself, I have discovered that everyone is going through something and everyone for the most part, has some crazy shit going on. For me writing about it brings a little more sense to the table when thinking about life and what I'm going through, and have already been through. I don't know if he will read this but if he does, thank you. Thank you for showing up with your game face on. Thank you for making me smile and laugh every single day. Thank you for taking that 50% seriously, it means more to me then you will ever know. And most importantly, thank you for allowing me to believe in someone again, when clearly we both know I really didn't want to. 

No comments:

Post a Comment