Just the Beginning

   I sat down at my desk today and instead of blogging, I took out my notebook and began writing with pencil on actual paper. I used to do this all the time. I have books and books filled with my writings and thoughts, and it used to be a daily routine of mine. People were always telling me I should make it into a book, or blog about it and share it, but the idea of sharing my thoughts with the world always freaked me out. Blogging is different then when I get to sit down and write to no one other then myself. Online is a place for judgement, comparison, and public thought. Everyone can see it, read it, talk about it, and share it with 50+ million people. Hell, someone could even blog about my blog. Sometimes the thought alone drives me crazy. I get more calm when I write because it's the only place without judgement. No one looking over my shoulder correcting me or telling me where to put a comma, or where not to put a comma. I like writing and not typing because I feel more in control. I don't always know the outcome when I sit down with my pen/pencil and paper, but I always know I can say whatever I want and not feel guilty because I know no one is going to read it. I don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings or wishing I could take back something I said, I just blurt out whatever I'm thinking without regret. It's an incredible feeling and release of tension,  and I don't have to carry extra weight on my shoulders all the time because I get all my thoughts, fears, and worries down on paper then go seize the day.

   Right now my problem is comparison. I am always the one preaching to never compare yourself to someone because everyone is different; were not all supposed to be the same, look the same, and so on. I used to do it all the time but luckily I realized it was completely unnecessary and I stopped. My current dilemma is, where I am vs. where everyone else is. I don't mean locations, I am referring to the stages in one's life. "Did you hear so & so is getting married?" "OMG I just heard so & so is pregnant!" Facebook is also a daily routine of how we all see where everyone we have ever met is doing and has done. We (society) seem to be obsessed with comparing ourselves to other people. If we weren't, none of us would have Facebook and 10 other social media accounts. I'm guilty of it. I share my life with my "friends" on Facebook, I tweet randomness to my followers, I upload photos to Instagram to display my master of photography. I also pin all of my interests (or some of them) onto a virtual cork board instead of the one hanging in my room. I now use Google+ and am still trying to figure out what that actually does for me, or why I use it. Lastly, I blog. I blog my thoughts to the world instead of writing them down on paper. I even wrote this entry on paper but still somehow felt the need to blog about it. We create so many ways to keep up, keep track, and keep tabs on one another and after writing about, seems a bit silly... at least to me anyway. Regardless I do it and will continue to do it because I love it, sometimes. 

   I already feel better and I haven't even discussed what's really on my mind. I don't care what anyone says, writing is therapy. I started to write to day because I was feeling like I'm not exactly where I should be in life. I was thinking about where I thought I was going to be and where I am now. All I ever said as a child besides the typical, "I want to be a millionaire", was that I wanted to be happy. It wasn't a huge, I'm going to grow up and become the president one day type of goal, but it was realistic and kept me content. I still have that very same goal because it's still all I ever want. I left my hometown and went to college, that made me happy. I graduated and immediately got a job in my field, that made me happy. But, something changed in those 4 years after college. I came to the conclusion that doing that job for the rest of my life, or even working in that industry, was not going to make me happy. So, I packed up my bags and my life and moved down south. So far, I'm happy. I got out of television and now I am cooking. Actually, I've never felt happier. Maybe I'm not where I thought I was going to be, nor am I doing what I pictured myself to be doing. The fact is, true happiness can exist. For me it's right here, right now in Raleigh, North Carolina. I have great friends, incredible family, the best boyfriend in the whole world, and I figured out my love and passion in life is cooking. For the first time in my life I have a real goal, I want to be in the restaurant business. Sure it's messy, dirty, hard work, long hours, and expensive, but I love it. I don't just want to work in this industry though, I want to own something in this industry. Many years form now I will look back and remember the day when I officially decided that I want to own my own restaurant. 

   In the end it doesn't matter where we were once, it matters where we are. I'm sure this won't be the last time I compare myself and my life to someone else, lord knows others will also do it for me. I do know that moving here was the best decision I have ever made. One day when you visit the great state of North Carolina, I hope to welcome you into my very own, farm to table, delicious and out of this world restaurant. Until then, I'll blog about it and let you know how it's going.

Puzzles

I have been to many crossroads in life where I had to stand there scratching my head wondering which way is going to lead me down a better path then the other one. Occasionally it's an easy choice and I fly right through, but at times I found myself constantly looking in the rearview mirror wondering if I did the right thing. College choices, career decisions, moving out of state, all of these battles were not walks in the park. One battle I am constantly fighting is relationships. Give 100% get 55% is usually how it goes. There are times when it is even and the sense of happiness knocks on my door, but usually I don't answer because fear is knocking at the other one. I end up waiting too long to open either door and the relationship fades away because I was too afraid to trust someone. I think half the battle is knowing ones self. I have come to encounters where I was unable to give an opinion or make a decision because I simply didn't know who I was. I have also realized how much that annoys people sometimes. I give myself excuses because I am still in my twenties and still discovering just what it is I really love, and who I really am. I think that when I'm with someone not only are we both learning about each other, it's also a learning experience for ourselves. I used to put so much pressure on myself because I felt by the age of 24 I should know everything there is to know about myself, later I realized it's ok not to know. I am 26, almost 27, and I am still learning new ways about what I do, and do not like to do. There was this previous relationship I was in where every time I said I was unsure of something, or didn't know, or was clueless how to answer him, it drove him absolutely crazy. It was then I realized that I needed to find someone that was still discovering themselves like I am. Someone who wasn't going to judge me for everything I did or didn't do. Someone who understands that not everything is a golden brick road and someone who is ok with having to work to get somewhere in life. 

Rather a good relationship or a bad one, they do not seem to last. I was in a relationship once for four years, but a year before it ended it was already over. From observation and experience it seems as if we stay in one place longer then we want to just to see what could happen, or to see if someone or something has the ability to change. We put up with situations and qualities we know we couldn't live with forever, we make up excuses that it won't be this way much longer and it's 'just a phase'. We write songs and books, we build monuments and castles for the ones we love. We do this for the ones we want to love us back, or for relationships we're trying to save. I say we and we're simply because as a society we all want to love and be loved back. Some will not admit to this but regardless, they are still seeking some type of connection with another person of equal interest and understanding. Leaving a relationship and starting a new one is always a fun challenge. Fun meaning frustrating, hilarious, awkward, annoying, and sometimes just flat out weird. Being used to other ways but conforming and learning new ones. My particular situation is a relief type of change. From being with hard headed, stubborn, funny guys who had absolutely no care in the world except for themselves and their wants and needs, to finding someone who thinks about others for a change. I don't always know how to react, and that in turn, leads me to question the silliest things sometimes. I'm not used to someone being extremely thoughtful and considerate. Someone who actually meets me halfway is confusing when I'm used to going 60 and 70% all the time. I'm constantly overlapping them because I'm unfamiliar with it being a two way street and actually meeting me half way. Once again I'm learning something new about myself. I'm learning that every other relationship I have ever been in has failed because it wasn't supposed to work in the first place. The most generic example is a puzzle piece. Sometimes when putting a puzzle together you come across this one particular piece that you swear on everything fits in this one particular place, you leave it there denying the fact that it could actually fit somewhere else. You mess with it, turning it, pounding your fist on it to make it ft into that spot because you're sick of seeing where else it could go. After finally moving on and finishing another section of the puzzle, suddenly you discover that another piece you have fits that previous spot you had been fussing with. It fits perfectly and now you realized you spent an hour trying to make that puzzle piece fit somewhere it didn't belong in the first place. Back to my situation, I've tried many times to make certain people fit in my life, trying to change who I was, pretending to be something I wasn't just to see if that would make it better. Changing the way I live, the way I think, my beliefs. I can't stress enough now, how ridiculous that is to try and accomplish. After years of convincing myself I would never find someone who wouldn't make me conform and change into something I simply am not, and never will be, and giving up, that person knocked on my door, and this time I wasn't afraid to answer. This time I figured I had nothing to lose and I went into it allowing myself to be nothing except myself. Well, holy shit what do you know? It's actually working. I'm learning what it's like when someone takes time to get to know me, what it's like to only have to bring 50% because he actually shows up with the other half. It gives me goosebumps sometimes because I think to myself, is this real? Am I really allowing myself to be happy without allowing fear to make me run away from that feeling? I am. I am, and I am loving it. 

It's early on and sometimes I get ahead of myself, but who doesn't when they are overwhelmed with a feeling they have never had before?! The old me would never blog about such a thing because I wouldn't want anyone to read, judge, or disagree. That's the glory of being able to take time to discover yourself, I have discovered that everyone is going through something and everyone for the most part, has some crazy shit going on. For me writing about it brings a little more sense to the table when thinking about life and what I'm going through, and have already been through. I don't know if he will read this but if he does, thank you. Thank you for showing up with your game face on. Thank you for making me smile and laugh every single day. Thank you for taking that 50% seriously, it means more to me then you will ever know. And most importantly, thank you for allowing me to believe in someone again, when clearly we both know I really didn't want to. 

Passions

Everyone seems to have a passion for something, from being three and having passion to explore every in and out of this new toy that was just placed in front of them, to being 46 and not being able to go a day in your life without thinking about golfing or designing. My personal experiences with passion have seemed to change a lot over the years. First I had a passion for soccer. I could not go a day without playing it, coaching it, talking about it, or buying something to wear to my next practice or game. From ages 3-18 it was literally all I ever thought about. When I grew up I was going to play professionally, I wanted to be in the Olympics and become the next rising star while being compared to the great Mia Hamm. I was going to coach once I had made a career as a player, then possible be an announcer on TV after that. I had it all planned out and never even thought about my other options, that was going to be how I spent my life. 

I received varsity letters, helped start the first ever girls soccer team for my high school, played in traveling leagues for indoor and outdoor, managed to snag captain a majority of the time, yet none of this was able to help stop me from making poor decisions my junior year. I was stripped of captain, and forbidden to participate in soccer my senior year. It was surreal at the time, I knew something big, something life changing had happened but I just wasn't sure how big it actually was. I cried for my mistakes, but then I signed up for video class my senior year and everything changed. I pretended it wasn't difficult and continued to be my natural smiley, laugh out loud self, but inside it was terrifying. My assignments for video class required me to take our mini dv video cameras and go to sporting events to record the games. This I loved because it still meant I was able to be on the field instead of the stands. I went to volleyball games, soccer games, football games, anything that was happening I was there with my camera to record it. Luckily I had made some great friends that year and they guided me through my first editing tutorial. They're names were Jon & Silas. These guys were so smart I couldn't even wrap my brain around what they were telling me sometimes. I remember one time having to ask Jon if he could draw a diagram of what he wanted me to do because I didn't understand how Final Cut Pro worked. Looking back it's kind of really funny, thank god those guys were there because if not, who knows what those football and basketball highlight reels would have looked like. We ended up doing live news casts for our announcements, and added sketch shows to them as well. They became extremely popular and all the kids seemed to want to have their sketch on the Friday shows. It was all the perfect distraction to cover up my misery. I was back in the spot light, taping, editing, anchoring, traveling to the convention center to show how our school does green screen, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I'll never forget that year in high school, it was the first time ever that I was forced to care about something other then soccer, and I didn't just care about it, I ended up loving it. 

A lot of great things happened that year. I made new friends, saw the school and the students attending it in a whole different spot light, and I was focused on school work for the first time, ever. After graduation I had decided to attend the Art Institute of Pittsburgh for Digital Media Productions. I moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and never looked back. After more than a decade of loving nothing but soccer, my passion had suddenly changed from being the star, to filming the star. After a couple years of classes, I realized I loved editing more, so again my passion had changed. I bought my own copy of Final Cut Pro, well my dad bought it for me, and after that I was the editor for a lot of our college projects. I graduated before my 4 year mark and felt on top of the world. Everything I thought I wasn't going to be able to finish I had, all my up-all-nights felt worth it, and I had accomplished what I was supposed to by the age of 22. 

Passion is a funny thing in life. Some have the same passion their whole life and love every second of it. I on the other hand, have an ever changing passion pallet. After getting hired directly after college for a professional TV production company, I found myself working in a tech center for syndicated television. Syndicated means anything that has aired more than once, so re-runs basically. I enjoyed it for a while and once again felt an incredible sense of accomplishment. Before I knew it 4 years had passed by and I was still in the same room, doing the same thing, and not making as much money as I thought I would be. Fancy titles, roof top parties, alcohol, bragging rights, but yet, I had lost myself somewhere. The comfortability of having a full-time job, benefits, and an editing position had me thinking, have I lost my passion? I don't care about what I'm doing anymore, I'm not moving up here, there's no where to go, I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore? Thought's of, is this it? Is this how I'm going to spend the rest of my life? There's got to be more out there in the world. I've got to find something that motivates me and inspires me, something that makes me actually want to think and want to care. Something that I enjoy doing like I did my senior year in Mr. Franks class. Then it hit me, I am finally to that point in my life where I am pondering what it was like when I was growing up. I was always the first one to say, I'm never going to want to be 18 again, I can't wait to be an adult and do whatever I want, whenever I want. I couldn't believe I was finally eating my own words. 

Well, after 4 years with a truly great company, I had to turn in my two weeks in order to continue my pursuit of happiness. They did a lot for me, it wasn't them and the company, it was me. I wanted to explore more of the world and see what else was out there waiting for me to come find it. I landed in Raleigh, North Carolina and I'm more happy here then I have been in a really long time. I'm still soul searching and trying to find my next gig, but in the mean time I'm blogging, cooking, and attempting to start a channel on Youtube. I feel my passion changing again and this time I'm OK with it. I still love sports and editing with all my heart and now I know they are with me to stay. Cooking is a new passion of mine, as I am currently working in a kitchen and enjoying every single step it takes in creating a delicious and fresh meal. It reminds me of video productions, except with food. Once I find what it is I am looking for, I will share that with you as well. Until then, don't ever hide behind something you're not in fear of what lies next. You'll find a way to swim through it, if not, that's what life jackets are for. Either way, as long as you're above water, nothing else matters. 

Band aids

Curve balls, hurdles, speed bumps, however you choose to describe the problems in your life is up to you. I personally like the curve ball term. I constantly celebrate the 'once in a blue moon' home runs, then constantly get hit with curve balls directly afterwards. Little time for celebrating when there are curve balls flying all over the place. Nonetheless I carry on because that's just what I do. I'm not sure why I haven't just thrown my hands in the air and said "That's it! You win universe. I'm DONE." Ha, who am I kidding, I do that all the time.

I am lucky enough to have recently relocated to Raleigh, North Carolina and so far I am loving it. It's freaking beautiful here. The weather is great, the people are friendly, and I have yet to use my horn once while driving through the city. That's a big deal for a girl who just moved here from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I took naps on my horn in that city, you can't be on the road three minutes and not hear someone laying on their horn for no damn reason. I love the Steelers and I loved the city life, but after eight years, a nasty break up,  a dead end job, and my mothers drug and alcohol addiction, it was time to go. 

There are these moments in life where I am constantly asking, "why?" Rather it's because something positive or negative happened, I still feel the need to question it for some reason. In the past it was always, "Why is this happening to me?" or "Why did he do that?" or "What the hell was I thinking?" Lately the tables have turned, and honestly it's been for the better. I don't like to question when good things happen, but I'm so used to the opposite that my immediate reaction is, OK something bad is about to happen because nothing good EVER happens. It's terrible I know, but sadly it's the truth. 

I sometimes wonder what it is that makes us born into this world wanting to be loved? Either you're one with this realization or you're not. Regardless, we all want some form of a way to connect with someone, anyone, who we feel gets it. Man to woman, man to man, woman to woman, it doesn't matter to me what or how you get it, I'm just trying to figure out why it is, that we all want that specific connection. The connection I speak of is that moment in time when you lock eyes with someone and at that moment, souls are bared. You both know this specific person understands you and there's nothing you can do about it. Loving or hating the person you just had that connection with cannot be controlled. Sure, we all hide it sometimes and pretend it didn't happen out of connivence, but it still happened. Maybe it's a moments connection and maybe it's a temporary or lifetime connection. If you've ever had or encountered this instance that I speak of, you immediately thought of that person and you've never forgotten who they are, and you probably never will. Maybe you're lucky enough to have had that connection with more than one person, I know I have. Sometimes we part and don't see each other for months, or even years; we're all on different journeys and I get that. But, when our path's do cross time is the last factor that ever matters. Time doesn't exist with people who understand each other. I have people who probably feel as if they have that connection with me, they partially do, but not all the way. There are few select people in this world that don't make me feel like I have to wear a mask. These people don't judge, they don't see me as someone else, they practically know me better than I know myself, and for that, I will always be thankful. Under the thick, onion like layers, behind the white lies, the "yea I understand", behind what you think you're hiding form the world, those people in your corner know what's going on. Even if you yourself think you have fooled them, they know. You, me, we all need these people in out lives. These people who refuse to give up on us, who constantly remind us of who we are when we forget, the people who have your back through sun rays and stormy days, you'll thank them one day. One day you'll be happy to admit you need them instead of denying them and pushing them away. 

I used to be afraid that I needed people. Admitting I liked when someone was around was terrifying. Allowing myself to believe someone has my back means trusting them to protect your back instead of stabbing it. I haven't always been a very trustworthy person because every time I thought I could trust someone, I ended up having to pull their knife out of my back. What happened over time was I became better with my judgement in people. The fog that had been lingering for years finally decided to lift, and suddenly I was able to see who was there all along, and who was never really there at all. Yea, of course I had apologies to make and pride to swallow, but the people who never left didn't care for my apologies. They weren't the ones that left, I did. 

No one likes to admit when they're wrong. I sure as hell don't. When the time comes and I'm forced to face my demons and my fears, and there's no where left to run, I do it. I realized the hard way the longer you carry worries around without talking about it, the longer you go without realizing everyone is going through something. Admitting, realizing, and moving on makes you human. I've been burned many times, life isn't always peachy. Even if you are admitting to your mistakes and trying to mend loose ends, doesn't mean it's going to be a walk in the park. Everyday we overcome an obstacle doesn't mean we're permanently clearing our plate, we're just making room for the next round. It's like finishing all the food on your plate before returning for seconds, if you don't take care of the first round, it's just more you're going to have to deal with the second time. 

Last but not least, just because you fail at something doesn't mean it's not for you. Normally it's the universe testing to see how badly you want it. If you want it bad enough, 100 fails to receive 1 win is worth it. If it's not, then you know it's not for you. I'm not afraid of being burned anymore because it's inevitable. Put your band aids on and with time you'll always heal. 

Preface

Why doesn’t anyone talk about the 20’s? Not the 1920’s, but the period in one’s life between 20 and 30. I graduated college then immediately dove into what is considered to be, the "real world". I have a million and one questions that have not been answered yet. The real world is different; college is not the real world. There are relationships, jobs, careers, money, and outrageous responsibilities. People have said that this is the time of my life, which it is, but no one ever really talked to me about the other stuff I would have to go through. This is my first blog, I do not have all the answers, hell, I probably have more questions then I do answers. During the hardest times of my life, I simply wrote. It’s all I looked forward to sometimes. I’ve been writing my whole life but, this particular story began on March 28, 2008. My mother was a heroin addict, my father was by my side, my boyfriend of 4 years left me for another woman, and I felt like I was going to die. This story will take you on a journey through my failures, and my successes. My roller coaster of a life is exposed and I am relieved to be sharing it with you. Mind you I am currently only 26, I have not peaked, or become the amazing person I picture myself to be, but, this is how I survived, and plan to survive, a majority of my twenties.

Introduction

Today I decided to start a blog. I also decided to attempt to write about thoughts, secrets, and events that I should probably take to the grave with me. Instead, I’m going to share them with the world. You only get one chance to live, or so they say. Do it, love it, deal with it, and move on. Everyone has skeletons in their closets and they will all escape eventually. One thing I have learned along the way is how you can only run from yourself for so long. You can jump from path to path, and through multiplying hoops, but eventually you will be forced to face the biggest demon of all, yourself. I'm gonna take my experiences and share them instead of burry them. If anything, I hope people realize it’s never too late to climb out of the hole you dug yourself, or perhaps a hole someone else dug for you. Even if you die trying it’s better then dying a quitter. This blog is dedicated to anyone who has ever faced fear in the eyes.